Waking.Up.In.Reno.2002.XviD.AC3.CD1-WAF

team WAF
We  Are  Family

 

Sub2smi  by
WAF-CAP  HOPE

 

우리들의 인간관계란
많은 점에서

 

빵과 흡사하다

 

처음엔 뜨끈한 게
신선해서

 

더 많이 원하게 되지만

 

제대로 반죽하지 못하면

 

금방 쉬어버린다

 

인생이라는 오븐은
더욱 만만치 않다

 

근데 우리 부부란 빵은...

 

뭐랄까, 이스트를
빼먹고 빚었다랄까

 

젤 친한 친구인

 

캔디와 로이 부부와
'리노'에 갈 텐데...

 

의사 말대로 돼줬으면
바랄 게 없겠다!

 

F...

 

L...

 

O...

 

잘 안 보여요?

 

네, 흐릿하기만 해요

 

긴장 돼요

 

남편과 내일 여행을
떠나기로 했는데

 

집 떠나본 지가 오래 돼서

 

'달린 도드'

 

'시보레'

 

스테이시 리걸
전화주세요

 

'로니 얼 도드'

 

'염가 세일'
'신용카드 환영'

 

몸매를 가리면 안 되지

 

차를 좀 팔아봐야지 않겠어

 

안녕하십니까
로니 얼 도드입니다

 

'대통령의 날'을 맞이하여

 

최저가 대 세일을
감행합니다

 

더 싼 데 있으면
나와보라 그래요

 

절 못 믿으면

 

누굴 믿겠습니까

 

'로니 얼 도드
(달린과 부부)'

 

눈이 뻑뻑하다 싶을 때

 

한두 방울 눈에 넣으세요

 

사막 지날 땐
잊지 마시구요

 

신나게 즐기다 오십시오

 

감사합니다

 

왔어요?

 

로이!

 

'로이 커켄달'

 

캔디한테 전화해서

 

무슨 옷 챙겨가는지
물어봐야겠다

 

- 집에 있죠?
- 그럼요

 

로니야말로
가게에도 없던데

 

온통 전화해 봤는데도
못 찾겠더라구요

 

그 이 알잖아요
못된 짓 중이겠죠

 

절 못 믿으면
누굴 믿으시렵니까

 

이 사람, 로니
믿어주십쇼

 

'캔디 커켄달'

 

'(로니 얼과 부부 아님)'

 

뭐 잘못 됐어요?

 

말이라고!

 

끝나고 나서
샤워는 왜 해요?

 

네?

 

내가 더러워요?

 

난 더러워요

 

우린 피차
더러운 몸이라구요

 

난 무지 깨끗한걸요

 

이런!

 

어떻게 이럴 수 있어요?

 

부부 문제
상담한답시고 와서는

 

뒤에서 날 가져?

 

앞에서 하지 말라며!

 

실험실 보내야 되니까
샘플 채취하게

 

기침 해봐요

 

이 일은 전혀
신경 쓰지 말고

 

신나게 놀다와요

 

물론 그래야죠

 

걱정한다고 달라지나요

 

- 안 그래요?
- 그럼요

 

근데 계획은 세웠어요?

 

로니는 내기해서...

 

이따만한 스테이크 먹는대요

 

맙소사!

 

그랜드 캐년에도 갈 거고

 

달린이 항상
노래를 불러댄다니

 

또 캔디는
놀기 좋아하니까

 

밤마다 쇼에

 

도박만 쫓아다니겠대요

 

물론 하이라이트는

 

'몬스터 트럭 쇼'죠

 

그거 재밌겠군요

 

그럼 검사결과가 나오면

처갓집에 보낼게요
그분들도 아셔야죠

 

아뇨

 

그러지 마세요
걱정하실 텐데

 

그냥 제게 알려주세요

 

그러죠
그럼 중간에 전화주세요

너무 걱정 마세요

 

모든 게 아무 문제
없을 테니까

 

이 에머랄드는...

 

밖에 나가놀래?

 

어서 나와, 어서

 

새야, 비행기야
아님 슈퍼맨이다

 

래인, 당장 내려오지 못하니

 

전 슈퍼맨인걸요

 

계속 거기 있다간
원숭이 엉덩이 돼

 

이봐, 미끈이!

 

- 에구머니나!
- 괜찮아?

 

- 그러지 마
- 미안

 

여기다 오줌 쌀 뻔했네

미안

 

- 뭐 죄지은 거 있어?
- 아니...

 

이 시간에 집엔 웬일이야?

 

일 안 해?

 

장인 심부름 때문에
잠깐 나왔다가...

 

당신 배란기면
하고 갈까 하고

 

나도 확실히 몰라

야시시한 걸 보니
맞나본데

 

아냐?

 

지금은 싫어, 로이...

 

- 타월을 벗겨버릴까나...
- 일하러 가야지

 

아빠가 찾는데
또 없으면

 

무지 화내실 거야

 

어떻게 해도
그 비위 못 맞춰

 

손주 만든 줄 알면

 

장인어른도 이해하실걸

 

- 여보...
- 금방 끝나

 

빨리 끝낼게

 

지금은 싫다니까

- 그래도 안돼?
- 여보...

 

할 일이 태산이야

 

짐을 싸야
내일 떠날 거 아냐

 

리노 안 가?

 

알았어

 

캔디...

 

우리 결혼사진이 왜 이래?

 

고양이가...

 

그래놨어

 

- 머피가?
- 맞아

 

그 놈 힘이 장산가 보군

 

할 말 있으니 이리 와봐

 

이쪽으로 와봐

 

- 왜 그래?
- 준비됐어?

 

- 뭔데?
- 좋아

 

생각해 봤는데...

 

여행 가서
뭐 하고 싶은지 알아?

뭔데?

 

혼인서약 다시 할래

 

그건...

왜?

 

낭만적이잖아

 

원래 도박 도시에서
결혼들 많이 해

 

당신이 하겠다는데야 뭐

 

좋았어

 

그럼 멋질 거야

 

새 출발을 하는 거지

 

설사 후회할 일을 저질러서

 

그걸 돌려놓고 싶으면...

 

모두 깨끗이 지워져서

 

없던 게 되는 거야

 

혹시...

 

자기한테 내가
뭐 잘못했어?

 

그랬다면 미안해

 

그런 게 아냐

 

그럼 뭐야?

 

아냐

 

내가 무지무지
하고 싶어서 그래

 

상상해봐

 

리노에서...
화사한 조명아래

 

혼인서약을 한다...

 

퍼펙트하잖아

 

제발 하자, 제발...

 

그래, 당신이
그렇게 원한다면

 

까짓 거 하지 뭐

 

너무 고마워

 

어떤 차인데?

직접 확인해

 

설마

 

이건 아니지?

 

- 이거야
- 기가 막혀!

 

세상에!

 

역시 넌 멋져

 

어때, 끝내주지?

 

특별 모델이야

 

풀 옵션이라
없는 게 없지

거시기 마사지만 빼면

 

진심이야?

진짜 이거 몰고 떠나려고?

 

그럼
정말 멋질 거야

 

돈 좀 썼겠다

 

친구 좋단 게 뭐야

 

우리도 폼 좀
한번 잡아보자

 

냄새가 왜 이래?

 

가죽 냄새가 심할 거야

 

- 아마도...
- 레자 아냐?

진짜 가죽이야

 

- 점점!
- 또 말이야

 

주행거리계를 떼어놨거든

 

갔다 와선
새 차로 속여 팔 거야

 

내 말 알지?

 

- 역시 넌 못 당해
- 어떠세요?

 

- 차들이 좋네요
- 좋다마다요

 

조심해!

 

왔어요?

 

로니, 왜 이렇게
오랜만이에요!

 

요샌 통 못 봤네

 

사업이 바빠서요

 

로니

 

가다가 회사에 들러야 돼

 

거긴 왜?

둘 사이가 안 좋은지
아빠가 보고 가라세요

 

장인하곤 상관없어

 

- 어련하시겠어
- 꼭 가야 돼?

 

금방 끝나

 

이게 뭔지 알아?

 

바로 여행 계획표야

 

보험사에 전화해서

 

머리 싸매고 짠 거야

 

그러니 스케줄에
칼같이 맞춰

 

계획표 확실히들
읽어놓으라구

 

너무 깐깐하게 굴지마

 

내가 언제!

 

커켄달 씨!

 

상표 잘못 붙여서

 

사장님 엄청 화났어요

 

어쩌자고 그걸
잘못 붙였는지...

 

정말 죄송해요

 

이 일을 꼭 해야 되는데

 

저 짤리면 어쩌죠?

 

장담하는데
그런 일 없어요

 

실수야 누구나 하는 거죠
절 보세요

 

잘 말씀드리면
괜찮을 거예요

 

오랜만이구나

 

전에 산 차
잘 나가던데요

 

다행이군요

 

달린은...

 

언제 봐도 미인이에요

 

감사합니다

 

로이...

 

이 나사 빠진 인간!

 

좋은 아침에
웬 험한 소리세요?

느물대지 마

 

혀는 폼으로 달고 다니나?

 

내가 왜 불렀나
감도 안 오지?

 

사실...

 

모르겠어요

 

생선맛 먹이 2백 박스에...

 

소고기 치즈맛
딱지를 붙여놔?

 

어떻게 이런 일이 생겼는지
해명을 한번 해봐!

 

저런!

 

죄송합니다
제 잘못이에요

 

캔을 섞어놨는데
캔디가 삐삐 쳐서

 

허둥대다 보니...

 

까먹었어요

 

그럼 선적은 왜 했나?

 

고양이 주인 맘이 어땠겠어

 

아끼는 고양이 주려고

 

소고기 치즈맛을 샀는데...

 

엉뚱한 생선맛이 나왔으니!

 

감이 오나?

 

그럼요

 

일 벌어지던 어제 오후엔

 

- 어딨었나?
- 집에 왔었어요

 

뭐 좀 사다 달랬거든요

 

그래?

 

그렇담 좋아

 

뭐야?

 

별일은 아니고?

 

전혀요

 

그게 아니라...

 

배란기인지 확인하곤

 

손주 안겨드리려고...

 

삐삐 치면 바로 자죠

 

아니, 가죠

 

제 말뜻 아시죠?

 

생각하기도 싫군

 

그냥 나가주게

 

드디어 떠나는군

 

멋진 시간이 될 거야

 

좋아

 

이왕 나선 거 뽕을 뽑자구

 

이런 제기랄!

 

아는 애들이야

 

쟤네들 구워 삼긴
식은 죽 먹기야

 

안녕하세요

 

로니 씨로군요
몰라 뵀어요

 

잘 지내셨죠?

 

아저씨들도 잘 지내셨죠?

 

네

 

우와!

 

차가 장난이 아닌데...

 

거시기 마사지기도 달렸죠?

 

싱겁긴!

실은 휴가 길인데

좀 서둘러야 돼

어디 가는데요?

 

네바다 주, 리노에

 

'몬스터 트럭 쇼'에 가세요?

족집게가 따로 없군

 

정말 부럽네요

 

그 멋진 데를 가다니
좋겠어요

 

그건 그런데
늦으면 황이지

 

나도 얘기 좀 하다
가고 싶어

 

내 맘 알지?

 

근데 바쁘니
이만 보내주게

 

신호를 무시하셨잖아요

 

내가 언제 지키는 거 봤나?

 

그딴 건 아무도 안 지켜

 

저도 그래요

 

- 들었지?
- 입 다물어!

 

상황이 그런 건 아는데...

 

적어도 저희 앞에선
지켜주셔야죠

 

어땠는지 보세요

 

맥주 마시며
운전을 하다니...

 

이 배지가 안 보이세요?

 

맹세코 이게 첫 병째야

 

- 제가 보증해요
- 봤지?

 

- 미 투예요
- 미 쓰리야

이봐요
한번만 눈감아주죠

 

함만 봐죠

 

자네도 맥주라면
사족 못 쓸 텐데

 

왜 이러세요

 

내 말 맞지?

아닌 거 같은데

 

뭐가 우스워?

 

트렁크에 보면
맥주 많은데

 

말 나온 김에
맛보라고 좀 줄게

 

좋은 게 좋은 거잖나

 

그건 좋은 게 아니죠
뇌물은 사양입니다

 

벨트 매세요!

 

여기서 쉬고 나면
한동안 안 설 테니

 

화장실 갈 사람은
지금 갔다와

 

이 빈병들은 버리고 올까?

 

그럼 안 되지

 

이동식 변소니까
그냥 놔둬

 

예써!

 

여보, 나 와인 사도 돼?

 

당신도 그냥 맥주 마셔
다들 그러잖아

 

박스가 꽉 차서

 

더 이상 넣을 자리도 없어

 

나도 한 병 마시고 싶은데

 

그럼 몇 병만 사든가

 

들척지근한 게 뭐가 좋다고

 

여자들이란

 

아이구야, 여러분들...

실컷들 사라구

 

난 가진 게
돈밖에 없으니까

 

손님들, 제가 뭐 사드려요?

 

이것 봐

 

밥이 또 어떤 여자랑
스캔들 냈네

 

얌전히 있는
꼴을 못 보겠군

 

그런 말종은 물건을 확
떼버려야 된다니까

 

무슨, 더 분발해야지

 

어련할까

 

굶고 사는 날을 위해서

 

이봐요, 달린
오클라호마 잔이에요!

 

갖고 싶죠?

 

됐어요

 

딴 데선 안 팔 테니
하나 사요

 

집에 있는 것도
처치곤란이야

그딴 거 사봤자 짐만 돼

 

내려놓고
출발이나 하자구

 

점심 먹기 전에
시간 좀 벌어야지 않겠어?

 

제가 대신 담아드리죠

 

옛날부터 로니는

 

레스토랑에 들려...

 

왕 스테이크에
도전하기를 원했다

 

친구랑 50달러
내기했다나

 

아마 그게 젤 큰
이유일 거다

 

짠돌이 내 남편은 돈이면

 

뭐든 다 할 테니까

 

- 캡이다!
- 맙소사!

 

잠깐, 로니
사진부터 찍고

 

- 세상에나!
- 한번 더?

네, 찍어요?
좀 더 가까이 붙어봐요

 

미안한데
코뿔소 엉덩짝 같아

 

생각보단 쬐끄만데

 

너끈하겠어

 

우리 고양이보다 큰데

 

장담하건데
그거 다 먹으면 탈날걸

 

이걸 어떻게 다
먹을 거냐면

 

우선 고기부터 해치우고
딴 걸 먹을 거야

 

차곡차곡 채워넣는 거지

 

그럼 이쯤은 문제없어

 

- 분명 토할 거야
- 그만해

 

먹으면 돈 버는데
뭔들 못해

 

- 그래도 그렇지
- 두고 봐

 

시작할래요?

 

- 준비 다됐어
- 긴장되는데

 

좋아

 

신사 숙녀 여러분
주목해주십시오

 

밀스버그의 로니 씨께서...

 

왕 스테이크에
도전하셨습니다

 

우와 대단해

 

한 시간 안에 스테이크와...

 

샐러드, 새우, 감자
빵까지 드십니다

 

직접 고기 크기를
확인해 보시려면

 

여기 와서 보십시오

 

단 질문은 금물입니다

 

한 시간 안에
다 해치워야 하거든요

 

그럼 로니 씨께
격려의 박수 부탁드립니다!

 

45초나 남았네요

성공을 축하하는
박수를 보내줍시다!

 

대단하네!

 

'텍사스 왕스테이크 먹기 상'
수상자

 

로니 얼 도드

 

공짜 밥에 50달러까지?

 

대단해
그거 좀 먹을게

 

난 네 체리

 

그럼 먹어
자, 여기

 

다 못 먹겠는데요

 

드실 수 있어요

 

내가 거들게

 

당근 그래야지

 

로니 밥통만은 못하겠지만

 

로니

 

로니, 이것 좀 봐요

 

오늘 성공을 축하하며!

 

빼긴!

 

토할 때까지 한번 먹어봐

 

그만해

 

꾀병은!

 

썰렁해요

 

왜 그래?

 

더 시켜줘?

 

이런!

 

양동이 좀!

 

왜 그래?

 

저런!

 

팔 위로 들어요

당신은 저리 가요

 

호들갑은

 

토할 것 같아요?

숨쉴 수 있어요?

 

난 몰라
죽을 건가봐

 

로니! 죽으면 안 돼요!

 

맥주 먹이면 돼

 

웬일이야?

 

자네 부자를 위해
뭐 좀 가져왔어

이웃사촌도 되고 했는데
잘 지내보려고

 

이게 뭔데?

내가 만든 음식이야
맛있을 거야

 

난 개밥 안 먹어

 

안정을 취하세요

 

부드러운 음식만
주시는 거 알죠?

 

갈빗대랑 머스타드...

 

여행 조심해서 하세요

 

특히 먹는 거 조심하시고
이거 챙기세요

 

- 정말 고마워요
- 네, 안녕히 가세요

 

- 그러죠
- 여보, 괜찮아?

 

아예 정신들이 나갔군

 

굳이 선생님께
여쭤보래서요

 

선생님밖엔 못 믿는대요

 

촌동네 새파란 의사는

 

더더욱 못 믿으니까요

 

그나저나...

지난번 검사는 어떻게 됐죠?

 

그런가요

네, 그럴게요

 

의사 말로는 내일까지
속이 껄적지근하면...

 

고기 연화제를
물에 타서 마시면

 

괜찮아질 거래

 

말짱해질 거야

 

50불도 챙겼잖아

 

병원비는 까야지

있잖아...

빌이 내기 갖고
딴소리 하면

 

네가 증인 돼주라

 

물론이지

 

좋아

 

하여간 넌!

 

아까 의사랑 통화할 때
검사 어쩌고

 

한 말은 다 뭐야?

 

아냐, 아무것도

 

보험 때문에

 

걸핏하면 하라는
소변검사 같은 거

 

자네도 잘 알잖아

 

수영 안 할래?

 

됐어

 

배가 빵빵해서 뜨겠냐

 

뭘 할 건지 알아?

 

기념품점에 가서
방울뱀이나 골려먹을란다

 

것도 좋지

 

내 마누라는 소심해서

몰래 수영 안 해

 

그치만 때론 여행 오면

 

안 하던 짓도
하게 되는 법이지

 

행여나!

 

없어

 

도둑 수영을 하다니

 

다들 그래!

이럴 때 안 해보면

 

언제 해봐

 

물이 차네

 

어서 들어와

 

저리 가

 

너 한 45킬로쯤 나가니?

 

놀리지 마
자기 몸매 짱이면서

 

칭칭 감고 다녀 탈이지

 

됐어

 

너 행복하니?

 

그럼

안 그럴 이유 없잖아

 

나야 모르지만...

 

그냥

 

요즘 니네 부부 이상해서

 

원래...

 

너희 부부는
천생연분이잖아

 

버트랑 로니 부부처럼

 

참, 그 사람들
진작 이혼했지

 

엘비스랑 프리실라처럼

 

대충 새겨들어

 

너 뭐 아는 거 있어?

 

아니, 아니야

 

아무것도 몰라
내가 알긴 뭘

 

그냥 너희가 걱정돼서

 

특히 넌 제일 친한 친구잖아

 

캔디...

 

친구끼린 서로 돕는 거잖아

 

그럼, 울지 마

 

그만해

 

술만 들어가면
센치해진다니까

 

이거 장난 아니네

 

캔디?

 

로이 사랑해?

 

남들이 말하는
불같은 사랑은

 

느껴본 적 없지만

 

자연스럽게 정이 들었어

 

그러다...

 

아빠네 직원인 거 알곤
바로 결혼했으니까

 

정열을 키울 시간
같은 건 없었어

 

젠장!

 

대체 왜 그래?
약한 모습 보이고

 

간만에 힘 좀 써서
그런가 봐

 

나 쉬마려
그만 가서 쉴래

 

- 나 화장실 갔다가...
- 여보

 

방으로 바로 갈게

 

그냥 여기서 해
난 늘 그러는 걸

 

추저분하긴

 

너도 갈래?

 

수영 좀 하다갈게

 

오길 참 잘했어

 

위에서 만나

 

그래

 

기분 좋다!

 

뭐해요?

 

선물이 있어요

 

안 그래도 되는데

그야 그렇지만

 

누가 원하는 건데
못 사줄까

 

뉴멕시코에 가자
너무 흥분됐다

 

그랜드 캐년이
바로 지척에 있으니까

 

로보사우르스가

 

차 뭉개는 거 봐야지

 

절대 놓치면 안되지

 

로보 뭐요?
그게 뭔데요?

거대한 분쇄기야

 

차 파는 내겐 쥐약이지

 

섬칫해라

 

야생동물이야

 

차 무서운 줄 모른다니까

 

차에 치는 게 일이야

 

웬일이니, 36.2도

 

배란기야

 

책에서 임신 이상체온이랬어

 

히터 때문이야

 

36.2도야, 여보
보통 체온보다 낮잖아

 

창문 옆에 앉아서 그래

 

창문 안 내렸어요
지금이 이상체온이니까

 

지금 당장 씨를 뿌려야 해

 

빨랑 차 세워

 

모텔 못 들려요
지금은 절대

스케줄 대로
가기로 했잖아요

 

누가 모텔 간대요?

 

스케줄은 이제
완전히 빵구났군

남 좋은 일 하다

 

얼어죽겠네

 

그러게 누가 1월에 떠나재?

 

성수기엔 요금이
장난 아니라니까

 

누가 그 돈 다 내?

 

오, 자기야!

 

이건 여행이 아니라

생체 실험실이 따로 없군

 

저 자식 뭐 하는 거야?

 

기분 좋게 해주겠지

 

열받누만

 

됐어
이제 더는 못 참겠어

 

세상에!
당신이 그러는 게 더 웃겨

 

그만

 

웬만큼 했으니까

 

- 왜 그래?
- 출발하자구

 

임무완수!

 

차 냄새가 바뀌었군

 

이봐, 컨디션 별로면

 

내가 몰까?

 

운전엔 신경 끄고

 

맥주나 줘
그럼 만사 오케이야

 

여보

 

맥주 두 병만 줘!

 

정액 안 튄 걸로
잘 골라서

 

대령하겠습니다요

 

땡큐!

 

오길 잘했네

 

있잖아...

 

좀 전에 공고문을 봤는데

 

여기 화장실이
이 근방 최고래

 

오늘 '킹맨'까지 가야 돼
그래야 스케줄대로 돼

 

오늘밤에
그랜드 캐년에서 자고

 

내일 구경하고 간다며?

 

그럴 수가 없게 됐어
섹스 쇼 하느라

 

스케줄에 빵구가 났거든

 

근데 여긴 왔어?

 

급해도 밥통은 채워야지
안 그래요?

 

땅에 구멍난 게
뭐 볼 게 있다고

 

차창으로 실컷 보면 되잖아

그거랑 같아요?

 

그냥 가서 봐요

 

한번 가보는 것도
괜찮을 거 같아

 

우린 괜찮은데

 

왜...

 

내가 이 여행을
뭣 때문에 왔는데?

 

내가 누누이 말했잖아
2학년 때...

 

담임이 그러셨다고

 

하느님이 7일째 날
쉬었다고들 하지만

 

실은 그랜드 캐년을 빚는데

하루를 보내신 거라고

 

당신은 한 가질 잊고 있는데

 

그 선생 상자 안에
똥 넣고 다닌 사람이야

기억 안 나?

 

믿을 사람 말을 믿어야지

 

택도 아니게

 

그만 가자

 

세상에!
보통 요란한 게 아니군

 

맨날 저러니

 

저 놈의 배란인지 뭐 때문에

 

사람 여럿 죽이겠군

 

아기 갖자는 건데
왜 그리 예민해?

 

온종일 저러고 있잖아

 

우린 안중에도 없어

 

거의 교미 수준이야

 

그런 식으로 말하지 마

 

이건 완전 짐승처럼
목덜미를

 

물었다 놨다 하잖아
젠장!

 

낭만적이네

 

당신이 낭만을 알아?

 

미안, 난 그냥...

 

우리 그거 한 지가
언젠지 알아?

 

그게 낭만은 아니잖아

 

그거 하고 싶으면

 

길거리 나가서
아무나 붙잡고 해

 

그랜드 캐년 땜에 그래?

 

그런 거 아냐
헛다리는!

 

그럼 뭐 때문이야?

 

왜 그런지 말해봐

 

남편한테 못할 말이 어딨어

 

여보, 이럼 나도 힘들어

 

벌써 몇 년째

 

날 거절한 줄 알아?

 

맨날 핑계만 대고

 

그 기분 모를걸

 

이젠 폭발 직전이야

 

정말이야

 

나 땜에 그래?

 

아니

 

나 때문이야

 

어떻게 하면 좋겠어?

 

말했잖아

 

우리 같이 정신과에 가보자

 

그딴 데 가봤자
소용없어

 

헛소리 몇 마디 해주고

 

돈만 실컷 받아 챙길걸

 

그건 우리끼리도 할 수 있어

 

가서 그 생각부터
고쳐야 돼

 

내가 뭘?

 

그것도 모르면서

 

날 이해하겠다?

 

가운데가 옴팡 꺼져서

 

돌돌 말리겠어

 

이런 데 침대가 그렇지 뭐

 

괜히 침대 갖고
투덜대지 좀 마

 

주무십시다

 

놀고 있네

 

웬일이니

 

냄새가 장난 아냐

 

로이

 

추저분해 죽겠어!

 

향기 좋지?

 

♪ 잠깐만요

♪ 지둘려봐요

 

♪ 슬루피는 말도 못하는
♪ 깡촌에 살지

 

♪ 여러분...

 

♪ 공부합시다

 

♪ 공부해?
♪ 노는 게 아니고?

 

♪ 선상들

 

♪ 가르칩시다

 

♪ 연인들

 

사랑합시다!

 

작사가 나셨네

 

♪ 신도여

 

믿슙니다!

 

♪ 잠꾸러기여

잠이나 자요!

 

♪ 일어나요

 

- 뭐라구?
- 오래 안 걸린대

 

난 몰라!

 

토니 올랜도가 왔다

 

뭐?

토니 올랜도야!
가서 그 사람 노래 듣자

 

이제 듀엣은 안 하나?

 

시간 되는 거 봐서 가자

 

스케줄이...

 

- 시간 내서라도 가야지
- 두고 보자구

 

이런 대도시에서 자보긴
처음이야

 

어쩔 바를 모르겠네

 

너무 쫄지 말고

 

신나게 즐겨보자구

 

우리 사는 데보다
쬐끔 호화판일 뿐이야

 

웬일이니!

 

- 스위트룸이죠
- 대단하지?

 

어머나!

 

결혼하기 딱일 줄 알았어

 

정말 맘에 들어

 

룸엔 안고 들어갈게

 

침실마다 입구가
따로 있습니다

 

무슨 욕조가 수영장 같냐!

 

세상에나!

 

자기야, 나 꿈만 같아

 

믿을 수가 없어!

 

낭만적이군

 

저기 좀 봐

 

이 문은 침실끼리 통합니다

 

이웃사촌이 따로 없네

 

캔디, 저 풍경 좀 봐

 

우리 방 쪽에서도 보여

 

좋았어!

 

사진 찍어줘

모델처럼 누워

 

몸매가 안 따르잖아

 

찍어드릴게요

 

됐어요

 

입술 두툼하게 한번 내봐

 

모두들, 나 좀 봐줘

 

이러니까 플레이보이 같지

 

요염한 포즈 좀 취해봐

 

이거 가져도 왜요?

 

원하신다면 눈감아 드리죠

 

좋았어요

 

정말 고마워

 

난 몰라
샤니아 트웨인!

 

정말 짱인데!

 

섹쉬 꾼이야

 

♪ 내 남자들은 한결같아

 

샴페인도 있네!

 

♪ 내 남자들은
♪ 한결같이 말하네

 

♪ 나보다 나은 여자
♪ 못 봤다고

 

이봐!
24시간 룸서비스가 돼

 

언제든 원할 때
뭐든지 서빙돼요?

 

그럼요
49번 누르세요

 

필 받았어

 

맥주는 더 필요없겠군요

 

한 시간 반은 버틸 수 있죠

♪ 지진이 난 것처럼

 

여기 커튼 리모콘하고
룸 키입니다

 

좋아요

- 고마워요
- 됐습니다

원하실 땐 언제든지
절 부르세요

 

물론 초콜릿은 공짜!

 

- 그럼 이만
- 그러세요

 

기왕에 왔으니
뭐 하나 물읍시다

 

네바다 주 창녀는
공짜라던데

 

맞나요?

 

적법하죠

 

- 공짜는?
- 아뇨

- 그렇군요
- 네

 

그럼 전 이만 가보죠

 

먼저 짐부터 푸시고

 

메뉴를 보세요

 

됐습니다
그럼 전 갑니다

 

로비에 있을 테니
필요하면

 

언제든 부르십시오

 

이제 알겠군
팁 땜에 그랬어

 

여기 받아요

 

고맙군요

 

절약정신이 참 강하시군요

 

거슬러 드려요?

♪ 부르르, 흔들

 

♪ 지진난 듯이!

 

♪ 킥, 턴, 스톱, 스톱

 

♪ 앤 점프!

 

올랜도 보러갈 때

 

머리 올릴까
아님 내버려둘까?

 

가만있자

 

- 그거 알아?
- 뭘?

 

이렇게 묶는 게
제일 예쁠 거야

 

좋아

 

이리 못 와

 

하여간 못 말려

 

근데 그 사람
왜 그리 좋아해?

 

그분은 내 수호천사야

 

내가 5학년 때

남자친구가 바람 펴서...

 

우울해 하니까

 

엄마가 인심 크게 썼지

 

친구 집에 가서
TV 보게 해줬거든

 

자선쇼였는데
8백만불 모였을 때

 

까무잡잡한 피부에
콧수염 미남이 나왔는데...

세상이 다 밝아지는 거야

그분은 그렇게 특별했어

 

이런!

 

난 척 울러리가 그랬는데

 

그분 노래 있잖아

 

♪ 내가 보고프면

 

♪ 천장을 세 번 쳐요

 

마치 나만을 위해
부르는 거 같았어

 

크나큰 위로가 됐거든

 

그 후로 내겐
소중한 분이 됐어

근사하다!

 

이제 그만하자

 

뭔가 빠진 거 같지 않니?

 

- 뭐가?
- 찐한 분홍립스틱!

 

후딱 가서
내 거 가져올게

 

괜찮아?

 

그럼, 괜찮아

 

너무 빨리 일어섰나봐

 

내가 갖고 올게

 

자기 괜찮아?

 

내가 보기엔
안색이 영 아닌데

 

괜찮아

 

이러고 좀 쉬면
나아질 거야

 

뭐 좀 사다줘?

아니, 아무래도 과음했나봐

 

그냥 혼자 가서
잘 놀다와

 

그럼...

 

그만 뭉그적대고

빨리들 내려가자

 

무슨 일이야?

 

먼저 가서 놀고 있어
곧 내려갈게

 

저거 보니까 생각나는데

 

이따가 우리도
거품목욕이나 할까?

 

알잖아
나 거품목욕 안 하는 거

 

참, 그랬지

 

까먹었어

 

그 욕조엔
우리 다 들어가도 남겠어

 

괜한 헛소리 말고

 

빨랑 가기나 하시지, 멍청 씨

 

그래 멍청하지

 

나 멍청하단 욕은
입에 달고 사는군

멍청이, 멍청 씨, 띨띨이

 

띨빡, 바보, 맹추...

 

- 또라이...
- 맞아

 

하루라도 안 그럼

 

입안에 가시 돋나?

 

내려가자

 

그래

 

미안해

 

- 달린?
- 왜?

거품목욕은 왜 안 하는데?

 

벌에 쏘인 것처럼

 

아래가 따끔대서

 

나 바보 아냐
뭔가 다른 이유가 있어

 

무슨 일인지 말해봐

 

그 얘긴 관두자

 

제일 친한 친구잖아

 

그만해

 

네 뜻은 잘 알지만
됐어

 

그러지 뭐

 

이건 정말 싫어

 

굴은 왠지 먹을 맛이
안 난다니까

 

왜 먹냐구?

 

스토미나에 좋다니
참는 거지

 

'스태미나'예요

 

이런

 

어쨌든 고맙네요

 

이게 자연산
비아그라래요

 

멍청하게
그 말도 몰라서 틀리냐

 

바보처럼 왜 그래

 

그거 모르는 사람이
어딨다고

 

괜찮네

여기 맥주 두 병 줘요

 

물컹거리는 게

 

이 친구한테도 한잔 줘야지

 

위스키 한잔!

한잔 마시는 게 어때?

 

맥주로 배 채운걸

 

하긴...

 

내 피는
술로 만들어졌으니까

 

아무렴

 

요상한 거 먹으니

입가심 해야지

 

난 평생 먹을 일 없어

 

너희 부부?

 

내가 보기에도
문제 같더라

 

문제 정도가 아냐
어림없지

 

얼마나 심각한지
상상도 못할 거야

 

그래도 둘이
잘하고 있잖아

 

별로 트러블도 없고

괜찮을 거야

 

안 그래도 요즘
그 문제 땜에

 

골 아파

 

너니까 하는 말이지만

 

도무지 마누라는
뭐랄까...

 

성욕을 이해 못해

 

누구나 성욕은 있지

 

아무리 그래도

 

오입질은 절대 하지 마라

 

누가 한대?

 

멋진 달린 두고

 

이상한 데 한눈팔지 마

 

DARLENE:
You know, relationships can be

a lot like a loaf of bread.

 

At the beginning,
they're hot and fresh,

 

and you can always get a rise.

 

But with time, if you don't
knead 'em carefully,

they grow old and stale.

 

Now, I know that life
ain't no Easy-Bake oven.

 

But with the kids
and my husband's job,

it's almost as if we've
forgotten to add the yeast.

 

So I'm hoping this trip to Reno

 

with our best friends,
Candy and Roy,

 

will be just what
the doctor ordered.

 

"F"...

 

"L"...

 

"O"...

 

Can't you see it, Darlene?

 

No. It's kinda hard
to make out.

 

I think I'm just nervous, doc,

 

'cause Lonnie Earl and I have
got to go on vacation tomorrow,

 

and I'm just not real good
about leavin' home.

 

WOMAN: Stacey Regal,
call the operator.

 

Okay.

 

All right, baby.
Move that sign.

 

I'm tryin' to sell
some cars here.

 

Hey, Lonnie Earl Dodd here.
Guess what, folks.

 

It's time for our annual
Presidents' Day Blowout sale,

 

and I gotta tell you,
I'm feelin' rather patriotic.

 

And I guarantee we won't be
undersold by anybody,

 

and if you can't trust
ol' Lonnie Earl Dodd,

 

then you can't trust anybody.

 

All right now, Darlene.
Just go ahead

 

and use one or two of those
drops if you feel the need,

 

especially out there on that old
l-40 around the Mojave Desert.

 

You just go on and have yourself
a vacation.

 

Thanks, doc.

 

Roy?

 

DARLENE: Hey, Roy!

 

Oh, I got to call Candy

 

and see if she's bringing
any nice clothes.

 

- She home?
- Yeah, yeah.

 

But I can't find that husband
of yours nowhere.

 

I've called all over the place,
and I can't rouse him.

 

Well, you know Lonnie Earl.
He's probably up to no good.

 

And if you can't trust me,
who can you trust?

 

And remember -- if you can't
trust me, Lonnie Earl...

 

Is there a problem?

You're damn right there is!

 

How come you got to take
a shower after?

Huh?

 

You feel dirty?

 

'Cause I sure as hell
feel dirty.

Oh, my God, Lonnie Earl.
We're filthy.

 

I'm not.
I'm Zestfully clean.

 

Oh, shit!

 

How could you do that to me?!

 

One minute you're cryin'
on my shoulder about Darlene,

 

the next minute
you're bangin' me from behind!

 

Well, you told me
not to look at you.

 

DR. TULEY: I got to send
the sample over to the lab.

 

Turn your head and cough.

 

Don't waste your time
worryin' about it, though.

 

Y'all just go on
and enjoy your vacation.

 

Well, you know,
I guess you're right,

 

'cause I know worryin' about it
ain't gonna change nothin',

 

- is it?
- That's right.

 

So, uh...what y'all got
lined up?

 

Lonnie Earl's got a bet
with ol' Bill Moore

 

that he can eat this giant
ol' 72-ounce steak in Amarillo.

 

Horseshit.

 

Then we're gonna pop up
to the Grand Canyon,

 

'cause Darlene's always
wanted to see that.

 

And you know what a partier
Candy is.

 

She's lookin' for the night life
and the shows

 

and the gamblin' and all that.

 

But the big thing is,

 

we got tickets
to the Monster Truck Jam.

 

Yeah, yeah.
That sounds like a big time.

 

You know, Roy,
I could send the test results

over to Candy's folks,
let them know when they come in.

 

No. No, sir.

 

I don't want...them worryin'
or nothin',

 

so I'd like to be
the first to know.

 

Well, all right, then.
I'll just wait to hear from you.

And don't you worry.

 

I'll bet you that everything's
gonna be just fine.

 

WOMAN ON TV:
...Beautiful emerald...

 

Oh...

 

Do you have to go outside,
Miss Thing?

 

Come on, sweetie.
Come on.

 

It's a bird. It's a plane.
No, it's Superman!

 

Lane Aaron Dodd, get your ass
down from there right now!

 

But I'm Superman!

 

Your butt's gonna be super red
if you don't do as I say.

 

WOMAN ON RADIO:
♪ You know it was a lie ♪

 

♪ 'Cause deep inside
my heart... ♪

 

Hey, good-lookin'!

 

- Jesus H. Christ, Roy.
- Oh, dear.

 

- Don't do that!
- I'm sorry, darlin'.

 

God, you almost made me piss
on the rug!

I'm sorry.

 

- Why are you so jumpy?
- I just...

 

What the hell are you doin' here
in the middle of the day?

 

Shouldn't you be at work?

 

Your daddy asked me
to run some errands for him,

 

so I thought I'd just kinda stop
by and see if you was ovulatin'.

 

Well, I don't know if I am
or not.

Well, you're dressed
like you should be ovulatin'.

 

Hmm?
What?

 

Roy, no. Not right now.
Come on.

 

- That towel will come off --
- You should go to work.

 

Daddy will miss you, then
there'd be a lot of shit,

 

and he'll get pissed off --

 

Darlin', it ain't possible
for him not to get pissed off.

 

He ain't gonna have
no problem with it

 

if he thinks we're making
a grandbaby.

 

- Roy --
- Real quick?

 

Just a little quickie.

 

I can't do this right now,
God damn it.

- Very fast?
- I have --

 

I have a ton of shit to do.

 

I got to pack.
We got to leave tomorrow, baby!

 

Reno!

 

All right.

 

Candy...

 

What the hell happened
to our wedding picture?

 

Cat.

 

Too much catnip, you know?

 

- Murphy?
- Yes. Baby...

 

He must've mule-kicked
the dang --

 

...I have to tell you
somethin'.

 

Come over here.

 

- What?
- You ready?

 

- What?
- Okay.

 

So I've been thinkin', and...

 

You know what I really want to
do when we get to Reno?

Huh?

 

I want to renew
our wedding vows.

 

Why?

What for?

 

Because it's romantic, Roy.

 

A lot of people get married
where gambling is legal.

 

Well, one kinda does go
with the other, don't it?

 

Oh, yes, baby.
And you know what?

 

It'd be so great

 

'cause it would be like
a brand-new start for us.

 

Like if either one of us
ever did anything in the past

 

that we'd like to change...

 

...it would just be erased.

 

Like, it won't count
no more, okay?

 

Well...

 

have I done somethin' wrong
I don't know about?

 

I mean, if I did, I'm sorry.

 

Oh, honey, no. No.

 

Well, what?

 

No, honey.

 

It's just something that l
really, really want to do.

 

Picture it --

 

Reno...with all
them bright lights...

 

and all the action.

 

Oh, baby,
it would be so perfect.

 

Please. Please, please, please,
please, please.

 

Well, hell, if it means
that much to you, I'm game.

 

Let's do it.

 

Oh!

 

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

 

Tell me.
I hate surprises.

Well, just see for yourself.

 

No.

 

You didn't.

 

- I did.
- ♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

 

You sure did. Whoa!

 

- Oh, my Lord.
- ♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

 

You did.
You horn dog, you.

 

See there?
Ain't she a beaut?

 

Dealer exclusive.
Anniversary special.

 

Boy, this son of a bitch
has got everything on it

except electric dick massage.

 

I can't believe you, Lonnie.

Are we really gonna take this
across the country?

 

Hell, yeah, we're gonna take it
across the country.

 

It's got to cost a fortune!

 

Nothing's too good
for my friends.

 

We're gonna be ridin'
and stylin' and profilin'.

 

It smells loud.

 

That's probably that Corinthian
leather, is what that is.

 

- I would imagine.
- That's real leather?

Well, hell, yeah,
it's real leather.

 

- Dang me.
- You know what?

 

Besides that, I had Jerome
unhook the odometer.

 

Sell the son of a bitch
like brand-new when we get back.

 

See what I'm sayin'?

 

- You're my hero.
- What do you think, Ronnie?

 

- These wheels are sweet.
- Yeah, they are, ain't they?

 

Whoa! Whoa!

 

You crazy?

 

Hey, you guys!

 

Hey, Lonnie Earl,
where the hell have you been?

 

I haven't seen you in days.

 

Well, you know,
they keep me hoppin'. Yeah.

 

Oh, Lonnie Earl,

 

I got to stop by work
on the way out of town.

 

What are you talkin' about?

DARLENE: Roy got in a little bit
of trouble with daddy again.

 

It ain't got nothin' to do
with your daddy, baby.

 

- Yeah, well...
- Hey...you serious?

 

It ain't gonna take
but a minute.

 

You see this?
It's a TripTik.

 

It's called a TripTik.

 

Now, I took the trouble
to call AAA

 

and have them figure out
everything for us --

 

the whole schedule --
so we're gonna stick to it.

 

Everybody needs to read that
loud and clear, you understand?

 

DARLENE:
Honey, don't get so uptight.

 

I'm not uptight!

 

Mr. Kirkendall?

 

Mr. Bush is as mad
as a riled-up bull

 

about that Beefy Nibby thing.

 

I didn't mean to put on
the wrong labels.

 

And I just feel plumb awful
about it, sir.

 

I need this job.

 

What if he fires me,
Mr. Kirkendall?

 

You ain't gonna get fired.
I promise you, okay?

 

Everybody makes mistakes.
I mean, hell, look at me.

 

Just ask my mama, okay?

 

Good to see you, sweetie pie!

 

Lonnie Earl, that car's
runnin' great. Thanks.

 

Good deal, Fred.

 

Darlene...

 

you're lookin' beautiful,
as always.

 

DARLENE:
Thank you, Fred.

 

Roy...

 

you bumble-dick gourd head.

 

How about you, Fred?
Nice morning, ain't it?

Damn it, boy,
don't take that tone with me.

 

I will slap the taste
out of your mouth.

 

Do you even have any inkling
why you're here?

 

Well...

 

...no.

 

I have got 200 cases
of Ocean Delight

 

that are labeled
"Beef and Cheese Nibbies."

 

You tell me how the hell
somethin' like that happens.

 

Oh, no.

 

I am sorry.
It is my fault.

 

I got the cans mixed up,
and then Candy paged me,

 

and I had to...well...

 

I forgot.

 

But then why did you go ahead
and ship 'em?

 

We're talkin' about
cat lovers here, boy.

 

When the cat lover opens
the Beef and Cheese Nibbies,

 

he expects to find
Beef and Cheese Nibbies,

 

not a fuckin' Ocean Delight!

 

Understood?

 

Yes, sir.

 

And just where in the hell
were you yesterday afternoon

 

- when all this was happenin'?
- He was at the house.

 

I needed him for something.

 

Oh?

 

Well, okay.

 

Why? What...

 

Wasn't nothin' wrong,
was there?

 

No.

 

You see -- No, sir.

 

She's just checkin'
for when she's ovulatin'

 

because we know how much
you want that grandbaby,

 

so when she pages, I come.

 

I mean...I go.

 

Well, you know what I mean.

 

I don't even want to think
about that.

 

Just get the hell out of here.

 

LONNIE EARL: I'm glad
we're finally on the road.

 

Here's to a big ol' time.

 

Look out, Reno.

 

We're gonna put some hair
on the wall.

 

Well, shit on a stick.

 

It's just Russell and Boyd.

 

We're gonna be out of here
in a heartbeat.

 

All right, sir --

 

Hey, Lonnie Earl!
I didn't know that was you.

 

How is everybody?

 

How about you, Russell...
Boyd?

 

Hi, Candy.

 

Ooh-ee, man.

 

This is one fine vehicle
you got here.

 

Has that got that dick massage?

 

No.
Don't you start with me.

Listen, we're in kind of
a hurry.

We're goin' out of town
on vacation.

Whereabouts you goin'?

 

Reno, Nevada.

 

Y'all goin' to that
Monster Truck Jam out there?

Check this son of a bitch out.

 

Lucky sons of bitches --

 

goin' to the biggest
little city in the world.

 

Of course, that is
if we get there in time.

 

I'd love to sit here and talk
to you all day long.

 

You know that, don't you, Boyd?

 

But we got to get on the road,
so why don't you just let us go?

 

You know you ran
that stop sign back there.

 

I've been runnin' that
since I been drivin', Russell.

 

Everybody runs that damn sign.

 

I know I do.

 

- See?
- Damn it, Boyd.

 

Look, Lonnie Earl,
I understand that and all,

 

but...you just shouldn't do it
right in front of us.

 

Just look at you --
you're sittin' there,

 

you're drinkin' that beer like
we was at the drive-in movies

 

and I wasn't wearin'
this here badge.

 

This is my first beer
of the day. I swear to God.

 

- I'll vouch for him.
- See?

 

- Me too, Boyd.
- Me three.

Come on, Russell.
Everybody makes mistakes.

 

Come on, Russell. Shit.

 

You know how fond of beer
you are, don't you?

 

Hey, now.

 

Right?
Isn't he, Boyd?

Oh, he hates it.
Swear to God.

 

What are you laughin' at?

 

Why don't I just hop up
on top of this truck

 

and unstrap a couple cases
and give it to y'all,

 

and let's call it even --
you know, as friends?

 

I wouldn't call that even.
I'd call that a bribe.

 

Buckle up!

 

♪ Stick shifts
and safety belts ♪

 

♪ Bucket seats
have all got to go ♪

 

♪ When we're
driving in the car ♪

♪ It makes my baby seem
so far ♪

 

♪ I need you here with me ♪

 

♪ Not way over
in a bucket seat ♪

 

♪ I need you
to be here with me ♪

 

♪ Not way over
in a bucket seat ♪

 

If anybody's got to piss,
let's do it now,

 

'cause we don't stop again
for a while.

 

You want me to get
these bottles and toss 'em?

 

Well, hell, no.

 

We can get deposit on them.
Just pump the gas.

 

Yes, sir.

 

Lonnie Earl, can I get
some wine coolers?

 

Why can't you drink beer
like everybody else?

 

I told you --
it's full up in there.

 

We ain't got room
for a bunch of wine coolers.

 

I wouldn't mind havin'
one of them wine coolers.

 

Buy some damn
wine coolers, then.

 

I don't know why you like
to drink them things.

 

Sissy shit.

 

Hell, yeah, girls.
There you go.

You too, Roy.
Just pile it the hell on there.

 

I got plenty of money.
I'm Mr. Deep Pockets.

 

Does anybody else here
want me to buy 'em anything?

 

Ooh, look!

 

Bob Barker is datin' another one
of them Barker Beauties.

 

That old man can't keep it
in his pants.

 

He ought to take his own advice
and get it neutered.

 

I say more power to him.

 

You would.

 

At least he's gettin' him some.

 

ROY: Darlene! Hey, Darlene!
It's an Oklahoma shot glass.

 

You got one of these?

 

No, we don't.

 

I doubt you're gonna find
one of these anywhere else.

 

We don't need
another damn shot glass.

All they do is
collect dust anyhow.

 

Put that back and let's go.

 

We're gonna have to make up some
time before lunch, all right?

 

Hon, would you like me
to help you bag up some of this?

 

DARLENE: Since Lonnie Earl
planned the trip,

 

he decided to stop in Amarillo

 

so could eat
this 72-ounce steak.

 

Of course,
his $50 bet with Bill Moore

 

was the real reason
we were stopping there.

 

I swear that husband of mine
would do anything

 

to save a buck.

 

- Isn't that pretty?
- Oh, no.

 

Wait, Lonnie Earl.
Let me get your picture.

 

- My Lord.
- One more.

Okay. You ready?
Get closer to the meat.

 

Whoo!

 

I'm sorry.
That is the ass end of a rhino.

 

This is no bigger
than a Papa Burger at A&W.

 

Easily handleable, all right?

 

That hunk of meat's bigger
than our cat.

 

You're gonna be sick is
what's gonna happen.

 

No. I got a plan.
You just take your time.

 

Breeze through it.
Eat this other shit afterward.

 

Push it through.
See what I'm sayin'?

 

Go with the flow.
That kind of deal.

 

- You're gonna be sick.
- Oh, shut up, Darlene.

 

Look at all this meat I get,
and I get paid to eat it.

 

ROY: You're gonna be ridin'
that porcelain pony.

 

Are you gonna go?

 

- First bite. I'm ready.
- There you go.

 

Okay.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, could l
have your attention, please?

 

This is Mr. Lonnie Earl Dodd
from Millsberg,

 

and he's gonna try to eat
this 72-ounce steak dinner.

 

Go, Lonnie Earl.

 

He has one hour
to eat 72 ounces of meat,

 

salad, shrimp cocktail,
baked potato, and bread.

 

If you'd like to look
at this steak,

 

come over and take a look,

 

but don't ask
too many questions.

 

He only has an hour
to do this in.

 

Let's give Lonnie Earl
a little round of encouragement.

 

Okay...he's got 45 seconds.

Everybody give him a hand.
He's gonna make it.

 

ROY: Lonnie Earl Dodd! Whoo!

 

"Big Texan Steak Ranch 72-ounce
Steak Club achievement award."

 

CANDY:
To Lonnie Earl Dodd.

 

I saw.

 

That's free
and you get 50 bucks?

 

Mm-hmm.

 

So good.
Can I take a bite of yours?

 

If I can have your cherry.

 

Sure you can, honey.
There you go.

 

ROY: I can't eat
this whole dang thing.

 

Of course you can, Roy.

 

CANDY:
Well, I'll help you.

 

I knew you would, baby.

 

It's not like Lonnie Earl
will help you.

 

Lonnie Earl...

 

Lonnie Earl, look at this.

 

I would like to present you
with a gift.

 

CANDY:
Come on, Lonnie Earl!

 

ROY: I just want to
see you puke.

 

CANDY: Quit it.

 

ROY: Oh, he's fakin'!

 

It's not funny, Lonnie Earl.

 

What is it, honey?

 

- You want another one?
- Whoa.

 

Oh, my God.

 

Get that bucket.

 

Honey...

 

Hold on!

 

Lonnie Earl, put your arms up!

Get your hands off
of him, homo!

 

DARLENE:
Don't fuss, Candy.

 

You want to throw up,
Lonnie Earl?

Can you breathe?

 

Oh, my God.
I think he's dyin'!

 

Lonnie Earl, don't die!

 

ROY: Oh, he just needs
another beer.

 

Hey, Julio. What's up?

Hey, Julio. What's up?

 

I brought something over
for you and your father.

I really want us to be
good friends and good neighbors.

 

Let me take a look.

That's some good food, man.
I fix it myself, you know.

 

I ain't eatin'
none of that Mafungus.

 

WOMAN:
You've got to take it easy.

 

And y'all make sure
that he drinks plenty of fluids.

 

SANFORD:...Spare ribs
and mustard greens.

 

So have a great rest
of your trip,

 

and take good care of
yourself, and don't forget this.

 

- Oh, no. Hey, thanks.
- Yeah. Take care of yourself.

 

- I will.
- Hi, hon. You all better?

 

Like y'all would give a shit.

 

Well, he just wanted me
to check in with you,

 

'cause, you know, doc,
he don't trust nobody else,

 

especially some snot-nosed
little Texas doctor

 

who ain't too long off the tit.

 

But listen, while I got you --

what about them tests
I had done?

 

Uh-huh. Okay.

Okay, I will bet one for you.

 

The doc says that if you're
still feelin' puny tomorrow,

 

you're supposed to mix
a bunch of meat tenderizer

 

in some water and drink it,
and you'll be fine.

 

Yeah, I'm sure I'll be fine.

 

Plus I'm $50 richer, right?

 

And a hospital bill later.

Oh, listen.

If Bill Moore gives me shit
about this bet,

 

you're my witness, right?

 

Damn straight.

 

Okay.

 

I know the boy.

 

What was that you were talkin'
to Doc Tuley about --

 

about some tests or somethin'?

 

Nothin'.

 

Just insurance crap

 

where they make you pee
in a bottle all the time

 

every time you turn around.

 

But are you goin' swimmin'
or not?

 

I don't think so.

 

I'll just sink
like a cat in a bag.

 

You know what I think
I'm gonna do?

 

Go over the souvenir shop
and tease that rattlesnake.

 

That's a good idea.

 

Besides that, Darlene's gonna be
back in a little bit.

She won't ever sneak in
no hotel pool.

 

Well, sometimes
when people are away from home,

 

they do things
they might not normally do.

 

Yeah, I wish.

 

All clear.

 

I can't believe I'm doin' this.

 

This is classy!

Somethin' we're not used to.

 

God help us.

 

Whoo!

 

Whoo!

 

Oh, it's cold.

 

Oh!

 

- Get in, Dar.
- Whoo.

 

- Whoo!
- Oh!

 

Get away from me!

 

Whoo!

 

What do you weigh,
about 98 pounds wet?

 

Shut up, Dar.
You got a great body.

 

You just cover it up
all the time.

 

Whatever.

 

Are you happy, Dar?

 

I guess.

Why wouldn't I be?

 

Oh...I don't know.

 

I mean...

 

things just don't seem right
between you two lately.

 

I mean, I always believed

 

you two were meant
for each other, you know?

 

Like Burt and Loni.

 

Well, not like them, because
they ain't married no more.

 

But like...Elvis and Priscilla.

 

Well, you know what I mean.

 

Is there something you know
that I don't?

 

No! No, no, no.

 

No, Dar. No.
I don't know anything.

 

I just care
about you guys so much,

 

and especially you, Dar,
because you're my best friend.

 

Oh, honey...

 

And...can't a friend try
to help a friend?

 

Yeah, but, oh, honey,
don't cry.

 

Come here, silly.

 

Damn wine coolers got me
all emotional.

 

Aah-ah-aah!

 

Oh!

 

Oh, dang.
That hurt like hell.

 

- Candy?
- Mm-hmm?

 

Do you love Roy?

 

Well...

 

I don't think
I ever got the chance

 

to fall in love with Roy.

 

I guess it was more like
nature took its own course.

 

Next thing I knew...

 

Roy was workin' for daddy
and we was married.

 

Like there wasn't any middle --
just then and now.

 

Oh, shit.

 

What's wrong, Mark Spitz?
You seem a little out of shape.

 

Them 12-ounce curls are...
kinda takin' their toll.

 

Oh.

 

I gotta go pee.
I'm gonna go back to the hotel.

 

- I gotta go pee.
- Darlin'...

 

I'm goin' back to the hotel.

 

Darlin', just pee in the pool.
I do it all the time.

 

Oh, gross, Roy.

 

You coming, Dar?

 

I think I'll swim a little.

 

This was a pretty good idea
after all.

 

See you guys up there.

 

See ya.

 

Whoo!

 

Feels good.

 

What you doin', Roy?

 

I've got you
a little somethin'.

 

Oh, Roy, you didn't have to.

I know,

 

but a lady like you should have
anything she wants.

 

DARLENE: Gettin' to New Mexico,
I was so excited.

 

The Grand Canyon was
just a day away.

 

ROY: You know,
what I'm lookin' forward to

 

is that Robosaurus
smashin' them cars.

 

That is gonna be somethin'.

 

Robo what?
What on Earth is that?

That's a 10-story machine
that squashes things --

 

basically a car dealer's
nightmare.

 

DARLENE: What a thrill.

 

- Armadillo.
- You'd think

 

them son of bitches would learn
to stay out of the road.

 

You ever see one alive?

 

Well, I'll be damned.
97.1 degrees.

 

I think I'm ovulatin'.

 

97.1 is what that library book
said to look for.

 

Whoa.

 

LONNIE EARL:
Maybe it's just the heat.

 

97.1, Lonnie Earl.
That's below normal temperature.

 

She's probably too close
to the window.

 

My window's up, and according to
this thermometer,

 

farmer Roy needs to plant
his seed right now.

 

Come on, baby.
Pull over.

 

No, we ain't stoppin'
at no motel. Not right now.

We just got back on schedule,
and I ain't gettin' off.

 

Who said anything
about a motel?

 

You do realize that
my schedule's gone to hell.

freezin'-ass cold out here,

 

and we're waitin'
on the damn carnival.

 

You're the one who wanted to go
on vacation in January.

 

You know what I told you
about July prices.

 

I can't pay that kind of money.

 

CANDY: Oh...Oh, baby!

 

It's like we're travelin'

with a damn high-school
biology experiment or somethin'.

 

What the hell is he doin'
to her?

 

Something pretty good, I'd say.

 

Well, it's pissin' me off.

 

Okay, that's it. I'm gonna put
a stop to this shit.

 

Good Lord. You're makin'
a bigger scene than they are.

 

All right.

 

Oh.

 

That'll be plenty.

 

- What?
- Come on. We're leavin'.

 

Mission accomplished, sir.

 

There goes the new-car smell.

 

ROY: You look kinda uptight,
Lonnie Earl.

 

You want me to drive?

 

Hell, no.
I'm the driver.

 

Just get us a couple
of beers. I'll be fine.

 

- Hey, hon?
- Hmm?

 

Can you grab us a couple beers

 

without spillin'
any of them tadpoles?

 

I sure can, sugar kitten.

 

Thank you.

 

I'm glad we stopped here.

 

You know what?

 

They got a sign
over that toilet

 

says they got the cleanest
bathrooms along all of l-40.

 

If we stay in Kingman tonight,
we'll be back on my schedule.

 

But we were gonna stop
at the Grand Canyon tonight

 

and get up
and look at it tomorrow.

 

But we can't do that now because
our travelin' sex show here

 

has put us behind schedule.

 

Then why did we stop here?

 

Because we had to eat, honey,
and this fits in, okay?

 

The Grand Canyon's just
a big ol' hole in the ground.

 

You can look out the window and
see a big hole in the ground.

That ain't the same.

 

I think it'd be nice
to see it.

 

I wouldn't mind ridin'
one of them jackasses

 

down in that sucker.

 

That'd...be...

 

Damn it, that's the one thing
I wanted to do on this trip.

 

I told you I wanted to see it
since second grade

 

when Mrs. Beechner told us
about it.

 

She said everyone thought
God rested on the seventh day,

 

but really he was
workin' on his hobby,

carvin' the Grand Canyon.

 

Well, that's sweet,
but if you remember,

 

Mrs. Beechner also kept
her shit in a shoebox.

Remember that?

 

So I don't know if that's
the greatest authority

 

in the world, you know?

 

Let's go.

 

Good God. That girl's gonna wake
the dead in there.

 

If this shit's gonna happen

 

every time she reaches
a certain temperature,

 

I'm gonna get madder
than a wet hen.

 

Why does it bother you so much?
It's for a good cause.

 

It's just that they take
so damn long.

 

And they don't even think
about us.

 

The least he could do is
tiger-fuck her.

 

You know I don't like
that talk.

 

Just get up behind her,
bite her on the neck,

 

in and out, and it's done.
Shit.

 

How romantic.

 

What would you know
about romance?

 

I'm sorry, honey.
I'm just...

 

Well, look, face it --
when's the last time we did it?

 

That's not romance.

 

If that's all you care about,

 

then just go ahead
and do it with someone else.

 

Is this about the Grand Canyon?

 

No, it's not.
Good grief.

 

Well, then, what's it about?

 

Why don't you talk to me?

 

I'm your husband.
You can talk to me.

 

Honey, listen,
this is hard on me, too.

 

Honey, for the last
couple of years,

 

every time I try
something with you,

 

you got some damn excuse.

 

You don't know how it feels.

 

And besides that,
I'm about to explode.

 

I am.

 

Tell the truth -- is it me?

 

No.

 

It's me.

 

Well, what are we gonna do
about that?

 

Well, I said --

 

maybe we could see that woman
in Little Rock.

 

I ain't goin' to no
shrink-bitch Dr. Ruth woman

 

that's gonna make us
sit there and charge me

 

an arm and a leg and a nut
to say the shit

 

that we can say to each other
right here and now.

 

But she might not let you say
somethin' like you just said.

 

What did I say?

 

Well, if you can't
hear yourself,

 

then how are you gonna
hear me, huh?

 

This dang bed sags
in the middle.

 

We're all gonna be windin'
up layin' in a puddle.

 

It sure as hell ain't
no Serta Perfect Sleeper.

 

Would y'all quit bitchin'?
The bed's fine.

 

ROY:
Good night, John boy.

 

LONNIE EARL: Kiss my ass.

 

DARLENE: Oh, my God.

 

That's awful!

 

Oh, Roy!

 

That's disgusting!

 

ROY:
Smell it and weep!

 

♪ Hey, now, Sloopy ♪

♪ Sloopy hang on ♪

 

♪ Sloopy lives
in a very bad part of town ♪

 

♪ Bad part of town... ♪

 

- ♪ People... ♪
- ♪ People... ♪

 

- ♪ Keep on turnin' ♪
- ♪ Keep on... turnin' ♪

 

"Turnin"'?
Or is it "yearnin"'?

 

- ♪ Teachers... ♪
- Teachers.

 

Teachers.

 

- ♪ Keep on teachin' ♪
- ♪ Keep on teachin' ♪

 

Yeah!

 

♪ Lovers... ♪

 

Keep on lovin'!

 

♪ Keep on lovin' ♪

 

- Yeah.
- All right.

 

Now, that's songwriting.

 

♪ Believers... ♪

 

Keep on believin'.

 

♪ Keep on believin' ♪

 

Whoo!

 

♪ Sleepers... ♪

CANDY:
Keep on sleepin'.

 

- ♪ Just stop sleepin', yeah ♪
- Oh!

 

♪ 'Cause it won't be too long ♪

 

- It won't be?
- It won't be too long.

 

- ♪ Won't be... ♪
- ♪ Oh, no ♪

 

♪ I'm so glad
that he let me try it again ♪

 

♪ 'Cause my last time on Earth
I lived a whole world of sin ♪

 

♪ I'm so glad that I know more
than I knew then ♪

 

♪ Gonna keep on tryin' ♪

 

♪ Till I reach
my highest ground ♪

 

♪ Whoo ♪

 

♪ Till I reach
my highest ground ♪

 

♪ Oh, no ♪

 

♪ No one's gonna
bring me down ♪

 

♪ Oh, no ♪

 

♪ Till I reach
my highest ground ♪

 

Oh, my God.

 

Tony Orlando's here!

 

Oh, Tony Orlando's here!
We gotta go to see him!

 

Whoa. Do you reckon
he split up with Dawn?

 

Well, hon, we'll have to see
if we got time.

 

I mean, you know...

 

- We gotta make time.
- I said we'd see.

 

I never stayed overnight
in a city this big before.

 

I'd sure hate
to get lost here.

 

Now, don't get
all nerved up, honey.

 

We're gonna have a good time.

 

It's just like back home.
There's just a lot more of it.

 

I'll be dogged.

 

- This is the Shamrock suite.
- See that?

 

Whoa.

 

Oh, honey!

 

I knew this would be the
perfect place to get remarried!

 

Roy, I knew it, baby!

 

ROY: I'll carry you over
the threshold, baby.

 

Both bedrooms have
their own private entrance.

 

Look at that tub!
That's like a swimmin' pool!

 

Oh, my God!

 

Oh, Roy,
it's like we're here, baby!

 

We're actually here!

 

Mmm. This is romantic.

 

Look at that.

 

This door leads
to the adjoining bedroom.

 

Oh, my God!
We're neighbors!

 

Oh, Candy,
you gotta see this view.

 

Oh, wow!

 

We have the same over there!

 

Okay!

 

Take a picture of me.

Lay like a supermodel, okay?

 

I don't look
like Cindy Crawford.

 

I could take some pictures.

 

That's okay.

 

Give me some pouty lips.

 

Y'all, check it out.
Check it out.

 

Hugh Hefner,
international playboy.

 

Show me your ta-tas
in cloth of terry.

 

Hey, do we get to keep
these things?

 

I've been known to look
the other way.

 

Whoa! All right!

 

Lonnie Earl...thank you, man.

 

Oh, my God!
It's Shania Twain!

 

How cool is that?

 

She's so goddamn hot!

 

♪...Mine, any man of mine ♪

 

- Whoo!
- ♪ Whoo! ♪

 

Goddamn champagne.

 

♪ Any man of mine
better disagree ♪

 

♪ When I say another woman's
lookin' better than me ♪

 

Whoa.

 

Hey, y'all.
They got 24-hour room service.

 

You mean you can get anything
you want anytime you want?

 

BELLHOP: Yes, sir.
Anytime you want. Just dial 49.

 

Darlene, who am l?

 

♪ I need a man who knows... ♪

 

I guess you won't need
any Pabst.

 

No. That'll last me
about an hour and a half.

♪...Breathtakin',
earthquakin' kind ♪

 

Here's your curtain remote
and your key.

 

All righty.

- Thank you.
- All right.

If there's nothing else,
I'll be going.

 

Of course,
the chocolates are free.

 

Ching, ching.

 

- I'm gonna go, then.
- Okay.

 

While I got you here, I just
want to ask you one question.

 

I understand that the hookers
in Nevada are free.

 

Is that right?

 

Legal.

 

- Not free?
- No.

- Okay.
- All right.

 

Like I said, I'm on my way out.

 

Got the luggage, right?
Unpacked it.

 

Got the explanation
of the menu.

 

That's it. Okay.
I'm gonna go.

 

I'll be at
the bell captain's station

 

if you need anything else.

 

Oh, okay. I get ya.
You want your dollar.

 

Here. Here you go.

 

Wow. Okay.

 

CANDY: Whoo!

 

Straight to the casino.

 

Unless you wanted change.

♪ Shimmy, shake ♪

 

♪ Make the Earth quake ♪

 

♪ Kick, turn, stomp, stomp ♪

 

♪ And then you jump! ♪

 

If I get to go to Tony Orlando,

 

should I wear my hair up
or down?

 

Hmm. Let me see.

 

- You know what?
- What?

 

What I think would be great is
if you put it like this.

 

Yeah.

 

ROY: Get over here,
you son of a bitch.

 

Jesus H. Christ.

 

What is it with you
and Tony Orlando, anyway?

 

Oh, he's always been like
my guardian angel.

 

You see,
when I was in fifth grade,

I caught Jeff Martin
cheatin' on me,

 

and my mama knew
I was depressed,

 

so she let me spend the night
at Deanna Stewart's house

 

to watch the Jerry Lewis
telethon.

 

Anyway, they were up to
about $8 million in donations

 

when out walked this dark,
handsome man with a mustache

 

and a smile that could
light up all of Branson.

And I just knew
he was somethin' special.

 

LONNIE EARL: Ow! Shit!

 

I had something like that
for Chuck Woolery one time.

 

Anyway, when he sang...

 

BOTH: ♪ Knock three times
on the ceiling ♪

 

♪ If you want me ♪

 

It was like he was singin' it
right to me,

 

Like he knew...
I needed to hear it right then.

 

And he's had a special place
in my heart ever since.

Oh...that's so sweet.

 

LONNIE EARL:
Okay, I've had enough.

 

You know what I think we need?

 

- What?
- Some serious pink lips.

 

I'm gonna go and get
my pink lipstick, okay?

 

You okay?

 

Yeah, I think I'm fine.

 

I just...
I got up too quick, maybe.

 

Well, I'll get it.

 

You sure
you're feelin' okay, hon?

 

'Cause you are lookin'
a little peakin'.

 

I'm gonna be fine.

 

I'm just gonna sit in here
for a little bit.

 

Can I do somethin'?

No. I probably just drank
too much.

 

You go on down.
I'll meet up with you later.

 

Well...

 

Hey, let's shit
or get off the pot, guys.

I thought we was goin'
downstairs.

 

What's the deal here?

 

Y'all go on.
We'll catch up with you later.

 

You know what
we ought to do, baby?

 

After while, you and me take
one of them bubble baths.

 

Well, you know better than that.
I don't take bubble baths.

 

Of course you don't.

 

I forgot.

 

Well, you know, that tub is
big enough for all of us.

 

Oh, great, Roy.

 

Just jump on the bandwagon,
you dumb-ass.

 

Yeah, I am dumb.

 

You guys definitely make me
clear of that on a daily basis.

Dumb, dumb-ass, dumb shit,

 

dipshit, shithead, shit hole,
shit-for-brains...

 

- Dildo.
- Dildo.

 

You know, would it
be possible to have

 

a "Let's Not Pick on Roy" day?

 

Let's go downstairs.

 

Okay.

 

I'm sorry.

 

- Darlene?
- Mm-hmm?

What do you mean,
you don't take bubble baths?

 

Gives my pooter an infection

 

that stings worse
than a swarm of bees.

 

Honey, I wasn't born yesterday.
I know something's wrong.

 

And you can talk to me.
You know that.

 

Don't start that again.

 

Darlene, I'm your best friend.
I know.

 

Just drop it.

 

I know you mean well, hon,
but just...stop.

 

Okay.

 

I don't know about this.

 

These things look a little bit
too much like a sinus infection.

 

I tell you what.

 

They say they are
one hell of an aphrodiliac.

 

Aphrodisiac.

 

Oh.

 

Oh, dear.

 

Thank you, ma'am.

 

Actually, they're
Mother Nature's Viagra.

 

Roy, don't be
such a damn idgit, okay?

 

You made us look stupid.

 

Everybody knows
what that word is.

 

♪ Oh, if she called me ♪

 

♪ I'd be there ♪

 

♪ I'd come runnin' ♪

 

Ain't bad.

Hey, bud, can we get
a couple of Pabsts?

 

Mm-hmm.

 

Slippery.

 

♪...Feel so good
if I just say the word ♪

 

And bring him a shot, too,
would you?

 

Some kind of whiskey.

Well, you need you a shot.

 

I had 140 beers.

 

But...

 

I do have too much blood
in my alcohol content.

 

See there?

 

Just tryin' to help you
cut the --

whatever those things are.

 

God knows I don't need
any of 'em.

 

♪ Su-Sussudio ♪

 

Oh, you mean you and Dar?

 

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

 

I think it's just a phase
you guys are going through.

 

Oh, it's more than a phase.
It's way past a phase.

 

It's a lot more serious
than you might think.

 

You know, you're always gonna
be together.

 

You've always worked it out.

You will now.

 

Well, I've given that
a lot of thought lately,

 

to tell you the truth.

 

Not that that's what I want,
you know?

 

But she just don't get it.
I don't know.

 

A man's got needs, you know?

 

Well, everybody's got needs.

 

Don't be goin' out

 

and thinkin' about gettin'
no nooky on the side.

 

Who said I was thinkin'
about that?

 

Darlene's a great lady.

 

You don't need to be
doin' that.