DARLENE: You know, relationships can be
a lot like a loaf of bread.
At the beginning, they're hot and fresh,
and you can always get a rise.
But with time, if you don't knead 'em carefully,
they grow old and stale.
Now, I know that life ain't no Easy-Bake oven.
But with the kids and my husband's job,
it's almost as if we've forgotten to add the yeast.
So I'm hoping this trip to Reno
with our best friends, Candy and Roy,
will be just what the doctor ordered.
"F"...
"L"...
"O"...
Can't you see it, Darlene?
No. It's kinda hard to make out.
I think I'm just nervous, doc,
'cause Lonnie Earl and I have got to go on vacation tomorrow,
and I'm just not real good about leavin' home.
WOMAN: Stacey Regal, call the operator.
Okay.
All right, baby. Move that sign.
I'm tryin' to sell some cars here.
Hey, Lonnie Earl Dodd here. Guess what, folks.
It's time for our annual Presidents' Day Blowout sale,
and I gotta tell you, I'm feelin' rather patriotic.
And I guarantee we won't be undersold by anybody,
and if you can't trust ol' Lonnie Earl Dodd,
then you can't trust anybody.
All right now, Darlene. Just go ahead
and use one or two of those drops if you feel the need,
especially out there on that old l-40 around the Mojave Desert.
You just go on and have yourself a vacation.
Thanks, doc.
Roy?
DARLENE: Hey, Roy!
Oh, I got to call Candy
and see if she's bringing any nice clothes.
- She home? - Yeah, yeah.
But I can't find that husband of yours nowhere.
I've called all over the place, and I can't rouse him.
Well, you know Lonnie Earl. He's probably up to no good.
And if you can't trust me, who can you trust?
And remember -- if you can't trust me, Lonnie Earl...
Is there a problem?
You're damn right there is!
How come you got to take a shower after?
Huh?
You feel dirty?
'Cause I sure as hell feel dirty.
Oh, my God, Lonnie Earl. We're filthy.
I'm not. I'm Zestfully clean.
Oh, shit!
How could you do that to me?!
One minute you're cryin' on my shoulder about Darlene,
the next minute you're bangin' me from behind!
Well, you told me not to look at you.
DR. TULEY: I got to send the sample over to the lab.
Turn your head and cough.
Don't waste your time worryin' about it, though.
Y'all just go on and enjoy your vacation.
Well, you know, I guess you're right,
'cause I know worryin' about it ain't gonna change nothin',
- is it? - That's right.
So, uh...what y'all got lined up?
Lonnie Earl's got a bet with ol' Bill Moore
that he can eat this giant ol' 72-ounce steak in Amarillo.
Horseshit.
Then we're gonna pop up to the Grand Canyon,
'cause Darlene's always wanted to see that.
And you know what a partier Candy is.
She's lookin' for the night life and the shows
and the gamblin' and all that.
But the big thing is,
we got tickets to the Monster Truck Jam.
Yeah, yeah. That sounds like a big time.
You know, Roy, I could send the test results
over to Candy's folks, let them know when they come in.
No. No, sir.
I don't want...them worryin' or nothin',
so I'd like to be the first to know.
Well, all right, then. I'll just wait to hear from you.
And don't you worry.
I'll bet you that everything's gonna be just fine.
WOMAN ON TV: ...Beautiful emerald...
Oh...
Do you have to go outside, Miss Thing?
Come on, sweetie. Come on.
It's a bird. It's a plane. No, it's Superman!
Lane Aaron Dodd, get your ass down from there right now!
But I'm Superman!
Your butt's gonna be super red if you don't do as I say.
WOMAN ON RADIO: ♪ You know it was a lie ♪
♪ 'Cause deep inside my heart... ♪
Hey, good-lookin'!
- Jesus H. Christ, Roy. - Oh, dear.
- Don't do that! - I'm sorry, darlin'.
God, you almost made me piss on the rug!
I'm sorry.
- Why are you so jumpy? - I just...
What the hell are you doin' here in the middle of the day?
Shouldn't you be at work?
Your daddy asked me to run some errands for him,
so I thought I'd just kinda stop by and see if you was ovulatin'.
Well, I don't know if I am or not.
Well, you're dressed like you should be ovulatin'.
Hmm? What?
Roy, no. Not right now. Come on.
- That towel will come off -- - You should go to work.
Daddy will miss you, then there'd be a lot of shit,
and he'll get pissed off --
Darlin', it ain't possible for him not to get pissed off.
He ain't gonna have no problem with it
if he thinks we're making a grandbaby.
- Roy -- - Real quick?
Just a little quickie.
I can't do this right now, God damn it.
- Very fast? - I have --
I have a ton of shit to do.
I got to pack. We got to leave tomorrow, baby!
Reno!
All right.
Candy...
What the hell happened to our wedding picture?
Cat.
Too much catnip, you know?
- Murphy? - Yes. Baby...
He must've mule-kicked the dang --
...I have to tell you somethin'.
Come over here.
- What? - You ready?
- What? - Okay.
So I've been thinkin', and...
You know what I really want to do when we get to Reno?
Huh?
I want to renew our wedding vows.
Why?
What for?
Because it's romantic, Roy.
A lot of people get married where gambling is legal.
Well, one kinda does go with the other, don't it?
Oh, yes, baby. And you know what?
It'd be so great
'cause it would be like a brand-new start for us.
Like if either one of us ever did anything in the past
that we'd like to change...
...it would just be erased.
Like, it won't count no more, okay?
Well...
have I done somethin' wrong I don't know about?
I mean, if I did, I'm sorry.
Oh, honey, no. No.
Well, what?
No, honey.
It's just something that l really, really want to do.
Picture it --
Reno...with all them bright lights...
and all the action.
Oh, baby, it would be so perfect.
Please. Please, please, please, please, please.
Well, hell, if it means that much to you, I'm game.
Let's do it.
Oh!
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Tell me. I hate surprises.
Well, just see for yourself.
No.
You didn't.
- I did. - ♪ Oh, yeah... ♪
You sure did. Whoa!
- Oh, my Lord. - ♪ Oh, yeah... ♪
You did. You horn dog, you.
See there? Ain't she a beaut?
Dealer exclusive. Anniversary special.
Boy, this son of a bitch has got everything on it
except electric dick massage.
I can't believe you, Lonnie.
Are we really gonna take this across the country?
Hell, yeah, we're gonna take it across the country.
It's got to cost a fortune!
Nothing's too good for my friends.
We're gonna be ridin' and stylin' and profilin'.
It smells loud.
That's probably that Corinthian leather, is what that is.
- I would imagine. - That's real leather?
Well, hell, yeah, it's real leather.
- Dang me. - You know what?
Besides that, I had Jerome unhook the odometer.
Sell the son of a bitch like brand-new when we get back.
See what I'm sayin'?
- You're my hero. - What do you think, Ronnie?
- These wheels are sweet. - Yeah, they are, ain't they?
Whoa! Whoa!
You crazy?
Hey, you guys!
Hey, Lonnie Earl, where the hell have you been?
I haven't seen you in days.
Well, you know, they keep me hoppin'. Yeah.
Oh, Lonnie Earl,
I got to stop by work on the way out of town.
What are you talkin' about?
DARLENE: Roy got in a little bit of trouble with daddy again.
It ain't got nothin' to do with your daddy, baby.
- Yeah, well... - Hey...you serious?
It ain't gonna take but a minute.
You see this? It's a TripTik.
It's called a TripTik.
Now, I took the trouble to call AAA
and have them figure out everything for us --
the whole schedule -- so we're gonna stick to it.
Everybody needs to read that loud and clear, you understand?
DARLENE: Honey, don't get so uptight.
I'm not uptight!
Mr. Kirkendall?
Mr. Bush is as mad as a riled-up bull
about that Beefy Nibby thing.
I didn't mean to put on the wrong labels.
And I just feel plumb awful about it, sir.
I need this job.
What if he fires me, Mr. Kirkendall?
You ain't gonna get fired. I promise you, okay?
Everybody makes mistakes. I mean, hell, look at me.
Just ask my mama, okay?
Good to see you, sweetie pie!
Lonnie Earl, that car's runnin' great. Thanks.
Good deal, Fred.
Darlene...
you're lookin' beautiful, as always.
DARLENE: Thank you, Fred.
Roy...
you bumble-dick gourd head.
How about you, Fred? Nice morning, ain't it?
Damn it, boy, don't take that tone with me.
I will slap the taste out of your mouth.
Do you even have any inkling why you're here?
Well...
...no.
I have got 200 cases of Ocean Delight
that are labeled "Beef and Cheese Nibbies."
You tell me how the hell somethin' like that happens.
Oh, no.
I am sorry. It is my fault.
I got the cans mixed up, and then Candy paged me,
and I had to...well...
I forgot.
But then why did you go ahead and ship 'em?
We're talkin' about cat lovers here, boy.
When the cat lover opens the Beef and Cheese Nibbies,
he expects to find Beef and Cheese Nibbies,
not a fuckin' Ocean Delight!
Understood?
Yes, sir.
And just where in the hell were you yesterday afternoon
- when all this was happenin'? - He was at the house.
I needed him for something.
Oh?
Well, okay.
Why? What...
Wasn't nothin' wrong, was there?
No.
You see -- No, sir.
She's just checkin' for when she's ovulatin'
because we know how much you want that grandbaby,
so when she pages, I come.
I mean...I go.
Well, you know what I mean.
I don't even want to think about that.
Just get the hell out of here.
LONNIE EARL: I'm glad we're finally on the road.
Here's to a big ol' time.
Look out, Reno.
We're gonna put some hair on the wall.
Well, shit on a stick.
It's just Russell and Boyd.
We're gonna be out of here in a heartbeat.
All right, sir --
Hey, Lonnie Earl! I didn't know that was you.
How is everybody?
How about you, Russell... Boyd?
Hi, Candy.
Ooh-ee, man.
This is one fine vehicle you got here.
Has that got that dick massage?
No. Don't you start with me.
Listen, we're in kind of a hurry.
We're goin' out of town on vacation.
Whereabouts you goin'?
Reno, Nevada.
Y'all goin' to that Monster Truck Jam out there?
Check this son of a bitch out.
Lucky sons of bitches --
goin' to the biggest little city in the world.
Of course, that is if we get there in time.
I'd love to sit here and talk to you all day long.
You know that, don't you, Boyd?
But we got to get on the road, so why don't you just let us go?
You know you ran that stop sign back there.
I've been runnin' that since I been drivin', Russell.
Everybody runs that damn sign.
I know I do.
- See? - Damn it, Boyd.
Look, Lonnie Earl, I understand that and all,
but...you just shouldn't do it right in front of us.
Just look at you -- you're sittin' there,
you're drinkin' that beer like we was at the drive-in movies
and I wasn't wearin' this here badge.
This is my first beer of the day. I swear to God.
- I'll vouch for him. - See?
- Me too, Boyd. - Me three.
Come on, Russell. Everybody makes mistakes.
Come on, Russell. Shit.
You know how fond of beer you are, don't you?
Hey, now.
Right? Isn't he, Boyd?
Oh, he hates it. Swear to God.
What are you laughin' at?
Why don't I just hop up on top of this truck
and unstrap a couple cases and give it to y'all,
and let's call it even -- you know, as friends?
I wouldn't call that even. I'd call that a bribe.
Buckle up!
♪ Stick shifts and safety belts ♪
♪ Bucket seats have all got to go ♪
♪ When we're driving in the car ♪
♪ It makes my baby seem so far ♪
♪ I need you here with me ♪
♪ Not way over in a bucket seat ♪
♪ I need you to be here with me ♪
♪ Not way over in a bucket seat ♪
If anybody's got to piss, let's do it now,
'cause we don't stop again for a while.
You want me to get these bottles and toss 'em?
Well, hell, no.
We can get deposit on them. Just pump the gas.
Yes, sir.
Lonnie Earl, can I get some wine coolers?
Why can't you drink beer like everybody else?
I told you -- it's full up in there.
We ain't got room for a bunch of wine coolers.
I wouldn't mind havin' one of them wine coolers.
Buy some damn wine coolers, then.
I don't know why you like to drink them things.
Sissy shit.
Hell, yeah, girls. There you go.
You too, Roy. Just pile it the hell on there.
I got plenty of money. I'm Mr. Deep Pockets.
Does anybody else here want me to buy 'em anything?
Ooh, look!
Bob Barker is datin' another one of them Barker Beauties.
That old man can't keep it in his pants.
He ought to take his own advice and get it neutered.
I say more power to him.
You would.
At least he's gettin' him some.
ROY: Darlene! Hey, Darlene! It's an Oklahoma shot glass.
You got one of these?
No, we don't.
I doubt you're gonna find one of these anywhere else.
We don't need another damn shot glass.
All they do is collect dust anyhow.
Put that back and let's go.
We're gonna have to make up some time before lunch, all right?
Hon, would you like me to help you bag up some of this?
DARLENE: Since Lonnie Earl planned the trip,
he decided to stop in Amarillo
so could eat this 72-ounce steak.
Of course, his $50 bet with Bill Moore
was the real reason we were stopping there.
I swear that husband of mine would do anything
to save a buck.
- Isn't that pretty? - Oh, no.
Wait, Lonnie Earl. Let me get your picture.
- My Lord. - One more.
Okay. You ready? Get closer to the meat.
Whoo!
I'm sorry. That is the ass end of a rhino.
This is no bigger than a Papa Burger at A&W.
Easily handleable, all right?
That hunk of meat's bigger than our cat.
You're gonna be sick is what's gonna happen.
No. I got a plan. You just take your time.
Breeze through it. Eat this other shit afterward.
Push it through. See what I'm sayin'?
Go with the flow. That kind of deal.
- You're gonna be sick. - Oh, shut up, Darlene.
Look at all this meat I get, and I get paid to eat it.
ROY: You're gonna be ridin' that porcelain pony.
Are you gonna go?
- First bite. I'm ready. - There you go.
Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, could l have your attention, please?
This is Mr. Lonnie Earl Dodd from Millsberg,
and he's gonna try to eat this 72-ounce steak dinner.
Go, Lonnie Earl.
He has one hour to eat 72 ounces of meat,
salad, shrimp cocktail, baked potato, and bread.
If you'd like to look at this steak,
come over and take a look,
but don't ask too many questions.
He only has an hour to do this in.
Let's give Lonnie Earl a little round of encouragement.
Okay...he's got 45 seconds.
Everybody give him a hand. He's gonna make it.
ROY: Lonnie Earl Dodd! Whoo!
"Big Texan Steak Ranch 72-ounce Steak Club achievement award."
CANDY: To Lonnie Earl Dodd.
I saw.
That's free and you get 50 bucks?
Mm-hmm.
So good. Can I take a bite of yours?
If I can have your cherry.
Sure you can, honey. There you go.
ROY: I can't eat this whole dang thing.
Of course you can, Roy.
CANDY: Well, I'll help you.
I knew you would, baby.
It's not like Lonnie Earl will help you.
Lonnie Earl...
Lonnie Earl, look at this.
I would like to present you with a gift.
CANDY: Come on, Lonnie Earl!
ROY: I just want to see you puke.
CANDY: Quit it.
ROY: Oh, he's fakin'!
It's not funny, Lonnie Earl.
What is it, honey?
- You want another one? - Whoa.
Oh, my God.
Get that bucket.
Honey...
Hold on!
Lonnie Earl, put your arms up!
Get your hands off of him, homo!
DARLENE: Don't fuss, Candy.
You want to throw up, Lonnie Earl?
Can you breathe?
Oh, my God. I think he's dyin'!
Lonnie Earl, don't die!
ROY: Oh, he just needs another beer.
Hey, Julio. What's up?
I brought something over for you and your father.
I really want us to be good friends and good neighbors.
Let me take a look.
That's some good food, man. I fix it myself, you know.
I ain't eatin' none of that Mafungus.
WOMAN: You've got to take it easy.
And y'all make sure that he drinks plenty of fluids.
SANFORD:...Spare ribs and mustard greens.
So have a great rest of your trip,
and take good care of yourself, and don't forget this.
- Oh, no. Hey, thanks. - Yeah. Take care of yourself.
- I will. - Hi, hon. You all better?
Like y'all would give a shit.
Well, he just wanted me to check in with you,
'cause, you know, doc, he don't trust nobody else,
especially some snot-nosed little Texas doctor
who ain't too long off the tit.
But listen, while I got you --
what about them tests I had done?
Uh-huh. Okay.
Okay, I will bet one for you.
The doc says that if you're still feelin' puny tomorrow,
you're supposed to mix a bunch of meat tenderizer
in some water and drink it, and you'll be fine.
Yeah, I'm sure I'll be fine.
Plus I'm $50 richer, right?
And a hospital bill later.
Oh, listen.
If Bill Moore gives me shit about this bet,
you're my witness, right?
Damn straight.
Okay.
I know the boy.
What was that you were talkin' to Doc Tuley about --
about some tests or somethin'?
Nothin'.
Just insurance crap
where they make you pee in a bottle all the time
every time you turn around.
But are you goin' swimmin' or not?
I don't think so.
I'll just sink like a cat in a bag.
You know what I think I'm gonna do?
Go over the souvenir shop and tease that rattlesnake.
That's a good idea.
Besides that, Darlene's gonna be back in a little bit.
She won't ever sneak in no hotel pool.
Well, sometimes when people are away from home,
they do things they might not normally do.
Yeah, I wish.
All clear.
I can't believe I'm doin' this.
This is classy!
Somethin' we're not used to.
God help us.
Whoo!
Oh, it's cold.
Oh!
- Get in, Dar. - Whoo.
- Whoo! - Oh!
Get away from me!
Whoo!
What do you weigh, about 98 pounds wet?
Shut up, Dar. You got a great body.
You just cover it up all the time.
Whatever.
Are you happy, Dar?
I guess.
Why wouldn't I be?
Oh...I don't know.
I mean...
things just don't seem right between you two lately.
I mean, I always believed
you two were meant for each other, you know?
Like Burt and Loni.
Well, not like them, because they ain't married no more.
But like...Elvis and Priscilla.
Well, you know what I mean.
Is there something you know that I don't?
No! No, no, no.
No, Dar. No. I don't know anything.
I just care about you guys so much,
and especially you, Dar, because you're my best friend.
Oh, honey...
And...can't a friend try to help a friend?
Yeah, but, oh, honey, don't cry.
Come here, silly.
Damn wine coolers got me all emotional.
Aah-ah-aah!
Oh!
Oh, dang. That hurt like hell.
- Candy? - Mm-hmm?
Do you love Roy?
Well...
I don't think I ever got the chance
to fall in love with Roy.
I guess it was more like nature took its own course.
Next thing I knew...
Roy was workin' for daddy and we was married.
Like there wasn't any middle -- just then and now.
Oh, shit.
What's wrong, Mark Spitz? You seem a little out of shape.
Them 12-ounce curls are... kinda takin' their toll.
Oh.
I gotta go pee. I'm gonna go back to the hotel.
- I gotta go pee. - Darlin'...
I'm goin' back to the hotel.
Darlin', just pee in the pool. I do it all the time.
Oh, gross, Roy.
You coming, Dar?
I think I'll swim a little.
This was a pretty good idea after all.
See you guys up there.
See ya.
Whoo!
Feels good.
What you doin', Roy?
I've got you a little somethin'.
Oh, Roy, you didn't have to.
I know,
but a lady like you should have anything she wants.
DARLENE: Gettin' to New Mexico, I was so excited.
The Grand Canyon was just a day away.
ROY: You know, what I'm lookin' forward to
is that Robosaurus smashin' them cars.
That is gonna be somethin'.
Robo what? What on Earth is that?
That's a 10-story machine that squashes things --
basically a car dealer's nightmare.
DARLENE: What a thrill.
- Armadillo. - You'd think
them son of bitches would learn to stay out of the road.
You ever see one alive?
Well, I'll be damned. 97.1 degrees.
I think I'm ovulatin'.
97.1 is what that library book said to look for.
Whoa.
LONNIE EARL: Maybe it's just the heat.
97.1, Lonnie Earl. That's below normal temperature.
She's probably too close to the window.
My window's up, and according to this thermometer,
farmer Roy needs to plant his seed right now.
Come on, baby. Pull over.
No, we ain't stoppin' at no motel. Not right now.
We just got back on schedule, and I ain't gettin' off.
Who said anything about a motel?
You do realize that my schedule's gone to hell.
freezin'-ass cold out here,
and we're waitin' on the damn carnival.
You're the one who wanted to go on vacation in January.
You know what I told you about July prices.
I can't pay that kind of money.
CANDY: Oh...Oh, baby!
It's like we're travelin'
with a damn high-school biology experiment or somethin'.
What the hell is he doin' to her?
Something pretty good, I'd say.
Well, it's pissin' me off.
Okay, that's it. I'm gonna put a stop to this shit.
Good Lord. You're makin' a bigger scene than they are.
All right.
Oh.
That'll be plenty.
- What? - Come on. We're leavin'.
Mission accomplished, sir.
There goes the new-car smell.
ROY: You look kinda uptight, Lonnie Earl.
You want me to drive?
Hell, no. I'm the driver.
Just get us a couple of beers. I'll be fine.
- Hey, hon? - Hmm?
Can you grab us a couple beers
without spillin' any of them tadpoles?
I sure can, sugar kitten.
Thank you.
I'm glad we stopped here.
You know what?
They got a sign over that toilet
says they got the cleanest bathrooms along all of l-40.
If we stay in Kingman tonight, we'll be back on my schedule.
But we were gonna stop at the Grand Canyon tonight
and get up and look at it tomorrow.
But we can't do that now because our travelin' sex show here
has put us behind schedule.
Then why did we stop here?
Because we had to eat, honey, and this fits in, okay?
The Grand Canyon's just a big ol' hole in the ground.
You can look out the window and see a big hole in the ground.
That ain't the same.
I think it'd be nice to see it.
I wouldn't mind ridin' one of them jackasses
down in that sucker.
That'd...be...
Damn it, that's the one thing I wanted to do on this trip.
I told you I wanted to see it since second grade
when Mrs. Beechner told us about it.
She said everyone thought God rested on the seventh day,
but really he was workin' on his hobby,
carvin' the Grand Canyon.
Well, that's sweet, but if you remember,
Mrs. Beechner also kept her shit in a shoebox.
Remember that?
So I don't know if that's the greatest authority
in the world, you know?
Let's go.
Good God. That girl's gonna wake the dead in there.
If this shit's gonna happen
every time she reaches a certain temperature,
I'm gonna get madder than a wet hen.
Why does it bother you so much? It's for a good cause.
It's just that they take so damn long.
And they don't even think about us.
The least he could do is tiger-fuck her.
You know I don't like that talk.
Just get up behind her, bite her on the neck,
in and out, and it's done. Shit.
How romantic.
What would you know about romance?
I'm sorry, honey. I'm just...
Well, look, face it -- when's the last time we did it?
That's not romance.
If that's all you care about,
then just go ahead and do it with someone else.
Is this about the Grand Canyon?
No, it's not. Good grief.
Well, then, what's it about?
Why don't you talk to me?
I'm your husband. You can talk to me.
Honey, listen, this is hard on me, too.
Honey, for the last couple of years,
every time I try something with you,
you got some damn excuse.
You don't know how it feels.
And besides that, I'm about to explode.
I am.
Tell the truth -- is it me?
No.
It's me.
Well, what are we gonna do about that?
Well, I said --
maybe we could see that woman in Little Rock.
I ain't goin' to no shrink-bitch Dr. Ruth woman
that's gonna make us sit there and charge me
an arm and a leg and a nut to say the shit
that we can say to each other right here and now.
But she might not let you say somethin' like you just said.
What did I say?
Well, if you can't hear yourself,
then how are you gonna hear me, huh?
This dang bed sags in the middle.
We're all gonna be windin' up layin' in a puddle.
It sure as hell ain't no Serta Perfect Sleeper.
Would y'all quit bitchin'? The bed's fine.
ROY: Good night, John boy.
LONNIE EARL: Kiss my ass.
DARLENE: Oh, my God.
That's awful!
Oh, Roy!
That's disgusting!
ROY: Smell it and weep!
♪ Hey, now, Sloopy ♪
♪ Sloopy hang on ♪
♪ Sloopy lives in a very bad part of town ♪
♪ Bad part of town... ♪
- ♪ People... ♪ - ♪ People... ♪
- ♪ Keep on turnin' ♪ - ♪ Keep on... turnin' ♪
"Turnin"'? Or is it "yearnin"'?
- ♪ Teachers... ♪ - Teachers.
Teachers.
- ♪ Keep on teachin' ♪ - ♪ Keep on teachin' ♪
Yeah!
♪ Lovers... ♪
Keep on lovin'!
♪ Keep on lovin' ♪
- Yeah. - All right.
Now, that's songwriting.
♪ Believers... ♪
Keep on believin'.
♪ Keep on believin' ♪
Whoo!
♪ Sleepers... ♪
CANDY: Keep on sleepin'.
- ♪ Just stop sleepin', yeah ♪ - Oh!
♪ 'Cause it won't be too long ♪
- It won't be? - It won't be too long.
- ♪ Won't be... ♪ - ♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ I'm so glad that he let me try it again ♪
♪ 'Cause my last time on Earth I lived a whole world of sin ♪
♪ I'm so glad that I know more than I knew then ♪
♪ Gonna keep on tryin' ♪
♪ Till I reach my highest ground ♪
♪ Whoo ♪
♪ Till I reach my highest ground ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ No one's gonna bring me down ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ Till I reach my highest ground ♪
Oh, my God.
Tony Orlando's here!
Oh, Tony Orlando's here! We gotta go to see him!
Whoa. Do you reckon he split up with Dawn?
Well, hon, we'll have to see if we got time.
I mean, you know...
- We gotta make time. - I said we'd see.
I never stayed overnight in a city this big before.
I'd sure hate to get lost here.
Now, don't get all nerved up, honey.
We're gonna have a good time.
It's just like back home. There's just a lot more of it.
I'll be dogged.
- This is the Shamrock suite. - See that?
Whoa.
Oh, honey!
I knew this would be the perfect place to get remarried!
Roy, I knew it, baby!
ROY: I'll carry you over the threshold, baby.
Both bedrooms have their own private entrance.
Look at that tub! That's like a swimmin' pool!
Oh, my God!
Oh, Roy, it's like we're here, baby!
We're actually here!
Mmm. This is romantic.
Look at that.
This door leads to the adjoining bedroom.
Oh, my God! We're neighbors!
Oh, Candy, you gotta see this view.
Oh, wow!
We have the same over there!
Okay!
Take a picture of me.
Lay like a supermodel, okay?
I don't look like Cindy Crawford.
I could take some pictures.
That's okay.
Give me some pouty lips.
Y'all, check it out. Check it out.
Hugh Hefner, international playboy.
Show me your ta-tas in cloth of terry.
Hey, do we get to keep these things?
I've been known to look the other way.
Whoa! All right!
Lonnie Earl...thank you, man.
Oh, my God! It's Shania Twain!
How cool is that?
She's so goddamn hot!
♪...Mine, any man of mine ♪
- Whoo! - ♪ Whoo! ♪
Goddamn champagne.
♪ Any man of mine better disagree ♪
♪ When I say another woman's lookin' better than me ♪
Whoa.
Hey, y'all. They got 24-hour room service.
You mean you can get anything you want anytime you want?
BELLHOP: Yes, sir. Anytime you want. Just dial 49.
Darlene, who am l?
♪ I need a man who knows... ♪
I guess you won't need any Pabst.
No. That'll last me about an hour and a half.
♪...Breathtakin', earthquakin' kind ♪
Here's your curtain remote and your key.
All righty.
- Thank you. - All right.
If there's nothing else, I'll be going.
Of course, the chocolates are free.
Ching, ching.
- I'm gonna go, then. - Okay.
While I got you here, I just want to ask you one question.
I understand that the hookers in Nevada are free.
Is that right?
Legal.
- Not free? - No.
- Okay. - All right.
Like I said, I'm on my way out.
Got the luggage, right? Unpacked it.
Got the explanation of the menu.
That's it. Okay. I'm gonna go.
I'll be at the bell captain's station
if you need anything else.
Oh, okay. I get ya. You want your dollar.
Here. Here you go.
Wow. Okay.
CANDY: Whoo!
Straight to the casino.
Unless you wanted change.
♪ Shimmy, shake ♪
♪ Make the Earth quake ♪
♪ Kick, turn, stomp, stomp ♪
♪ And then you jump! ♪
If I get to go to Tony Orlando,
should I wear my hair up or down?
Hmm. Let me see.
- You know what? - What?
What I think would be great is if you put it like this.
Yeah.
ROY: Get over here, you son of a bitch.
Jesus H. Christ.
What is it with you and Tony Orlando, anyway?
Oh, he's always been like my guardian angel.
You see, when I was in fifth grade,
I caught Jeff Martin cheatin' on me,
and my mama knew I was depressed,
so she let me spend the night at Deanna Stewart's house
to watch the Jerry Lewis telethon.
Anyway, they were up to about $8 million in donations
when out walked this dark, handsome man with a mustache
and a smile that could light up all of Branson.
And I just knew he was somethin' special.
LONNIE EARL: Ow! Shit!
I had something like that for Chuck Woolery one time.
Anyway, when he sang...
BOTH: ♪ Knock three times on the ceiling ♪
♪ If you want me ♪
It was like he was singin' it right to me,
Like he knew... I needed to hear it right then.
And he's had a special place in my heart ever since.
Oh...that's so sweet.
LONNIE EARL: Okay, I've had enough.
You know what I think we need?
- What? - Some serious pink lips.
I'm gonna go and get my pink lipstick, okay?
You okay?
Yeah, I think I'm fine.
I just... I got up too quick, maybe.
Well, I'll get it.
You sure you're feelin' okay, hon?
'Cause you are lookin' a little peakin'.
I'm gonna be fine.
I'm just gonna sit in here for a little bit.
Can I do somethin'?
No. I probably just drank too much.
You go on down. I'll meet up with you later.
Well...
Hey, let's shit or get off the pot, guys.
I thought we was goin' downstairs.
What's the deal here?
Y'all go on. We'll catch up with you later.
You know what we ought to do, baby?
After while, you and me take one of them bubble baths.
Well, you know better than that. I don't take bubble baths.
Of course you don't.
I forgot.
Well, you know, that tub is big enough for all of us.
Oh, great, Roy.
Just jump on the bandwagon, you dumb-ass.
Yeah, I am dumb.
You guys definitely make me clear of that on a daily basis.
Dumb, dumb-ass, dumb shit,
dipshit, shithead, shit hole, shit-for-brains...
- Dildo. - Dildo.
You know, would it be possible to have
a "Let's Not Pick on Roy" day?
Let's go downstairs.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
- Darlene? - Mm-hmm?
What do you mean, you don't take bubble baths?
Gives my pooter an infection
that stings worse than a swarm of bees.
Honey, I wasn't born yesterday. I know something's wrong.
And you can talk to me. You know that.
Don't start that again.
Darlene, I'm your best friend. I know.
Just drop it.
I know you mean well, hon, but just...stop.
Okay.
I don't know about this.
These things look a little bit too much like a sinus infection.
I tell you what.
They say they are one hell of an aphrodiliac.
Aphrodisiac.
Oh.
Oh, dear.
Thank you, ma'am.
Actually, they're Mother Nature's Viagra.
Roy, don't be such a damn idgit, okay?
You made us look stupid.
Everybody knows what that word is.
♪ Oh, if she called me ♪
♪ I'd be there ♪
♪ I'd come runnin' ♪
Ain't bad.
Hey, bud, can we get a couple of Pabsts?
Mm-hmm.
Slippery.
♪...Feel so good if I just say the word ♪
And bring him a shot, too, would you?
Some kind of whiskey.
Well, you need you a shot.
I had 140 beers.
But...
I do have too much blood in my alcohol content.
See there?
Just tryin' to help you cut the --
whatever those things are.
God knows I don't need any of 'em.
♪ Su-Sussudio ♪
Oh, you mean you and Dar?
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
I think it's just a phase you guys are going through.
Oh, it's more than a phase. It's way past a phase.
It's a lot more serious than you might think.
You know, you're always gonna be together.
You've always worked it out.
You will now.
Well, I've given that a lot of thought lately,
to tell you the truth.
Not that that's what I want, you know?
But she just don't get it. I don't know.
A man's got needs, you know?
Well, everybody's got needs.
Don't be goin' out
and thinkin' about gettin' no nooky on the side.
Who said I was thinkin' about that?
Darlene's a great lady.
You don't need to be doin' that.